Cheap College Vodka Wants In Your Pants

Let me just first start by saying that I am sorry for being away for a year. Let me secondly say Fuck You and enjoy some assholes that participate in online dating. Laughing at douche bags was just too much to stay away from. I just ran out of different ways to say "douche bag". No worries though, I can just say fuckin douche bag or shit rag douche bag - and that's different... right?


Prerequisite:
I am a: 26 yr old male

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: seeking women 21-36

*Online Name - nicu21230 (cute)




This is him - my new friend Nicolai or Sergei or Popov. I have no idea why I name him that other than that he looks pretty damn Russian. He also looks like a normal dude right? Well you'll find out his level of douchebaggery is rather high.





I told you...but you didn't believe me. The bow tie has reared its ugly head and landed smack dab in the middle of your screen. It also brought with it a look of absolute boredom and contempt.



There seems to be a theme of booze in all pictures.



More booze and double the bow tie. Is it me or do the people in this picture look like they just got done with a really long car ride and someone stuck them with the tab to boot? I wonder if this is Popov's family.


Dis here isa my crrrewww. We roll out on de night as true men of tastes and talents






Personal Description:

Having digested hundreds of "intros" through my searches, I have come to one conclusion: creativity is severely lacking. Did your English teacher not instill imagination? Have you ever had an imaginary friend? Do you know how to sell yourself? It's amazing how many people out there sound exactly the same...lounging on Sundays, reading a good book, going to movies. I think of life and it's nuances as an opportunity to create yourself...define who you are. And my journey has brought me here, to a place where, aside from your picture and profile I can do 1 of 4 things: Wink at you, Not wink at you, Email you, or not email you. I hope I'm not wasting your time, or sounding like a jerk.

I'm also a raving fuckin asshole who will more than likely yell at and beat our children for not keeping the dark socks with the dark socks and the white socks with the white socks. I also pee myself from time to time and then head butt the wall to knock my mom's voice out of my head "Popov, you peed again didn't you?" "NO MOM - LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

Famous Bow Tie's That Are Cooler Than You Are

 


This is what Old Blue Eyes thinks of you









You have nothing on Billy Nye the Science Guy - as a matter of fact I'm sure captain crazy aka Bill Nye the Science Guy would rip you a new one like a ferret building a home in the ground.

  





You don't even have shit on bow tie pasta












Stick with what you know ass clown.

What douchebag does for fun:

"Spontaneous Orioles games, Fall Ravens tailgates, Summer Barbeques and concerts in the park. Road Tripping to see friends and to create new memories. Having a superb meal at a resturant followed by good live entertainment."

Man those spontaneous oriole games sound so fucking enthralling they might combust instantly into a big ball of fun that cannot be contained. If I was a girl, and I just might be, I would be dripping wet at the idea of a spontaneous night at Oriole park.

And on a second note there Pops, this is Baltimore we are talking about. There are no parks that people sit in and there are certainly no concerts in said park. Unless the faint scream of another snotty white kid getting mugged as he runs for the beamer his Daddy bought for him is music to your ears. I know it's music to mine....I know it's what you fear most bow tie man.

Thirdly, captain worldly pleasures, you spelled "restaurant" incorrectly.

"Sports and exercise: Inline skating "

Uh huh. Inline skating. Unless you are a gay guy named Persey living in NYC and you smooth ride to the Chelsea pier every Sunday then there is no need, NO FUCKING NEED, for you to ever, under any circumstance, EVER, put on inline skates.

Final Thoughts: Sergei or Josef isn't that awful of a person and not that different from both you and I. But look into his eyes and tell me he doesn't look like an evil, child beating, bambi fucking, booze hound, nazi junior youth, Reaganite?

Fuck Match.com

Alright guys - I've heard you loud and clear and since the Staff here at the JVMM has spent countless minutes preparing the profiles below we now need your input and help. If I don't get 3 suggestions I'll shut this fucker down.

1) Match.com now has a pay-per view system where I have to pay to see fuck face pictures or balding men in comfortable pants talk to me about their love of hiking. I won't do that so we need to find ourselves a new venue. Find me one - - OK cupid - Fuck I don't know but find me one that you think I can slam baste.

2) I want some suggestions of who I should roast. Find me a gay tranny (as if there are straight trannies) that likes puppies and walks on the beach with their dicks tucked between their legs. Anything - - the more put together the better - or give me your sister or friend if you think I'm up for the challenge - the point is that the staff here need some help and we would appreciate your feedback. Cheers - and go fuck yourself.

JVMM

Until then I'll leave you with this - - You can tell alot about dumb girls by their screen name - for example - - I received these lovely fat trolls today in my email and would like to dissect their stupid fucking names to give you a more behind-the-scenes look at what vegetable they shove up their hoo ha. Just for shits and giggles I'll post their pick after I write the description. All I have is their name and their age - let's see how well I do.


1. bellechevre (36/F) - Anybody who tries to be clever with their name by having some fucking French bullshit word or an obscure Sylvia Plathe quote as their handle should more than likely enjoy cuddling up next to fires while you brush their really REALLY long pubic hair with the cat's brush. Followed closely by a nice episode of MASH and rolling around in cheese.

Holy fuck - I'm not lying when I say that - well that is her - and I didn't see that until I got done writing that. I'm so glad it's blurry that it's not even funny. At least I can't see the cheeto dust accumulating on the side of your pudgy little fat face.


2. gemorrahbtrswt (19/F) - To be honest I don't know what this name is about. Gem + orra + bratwurst? - who the fuck knows. She's 19 and she's on a dating service. That means the following: She - doesn't go to college and she's more than likely a shallow cunt working in a grocery store trying to make sure my eggs are on top and my detergent cradles the base for my frozen meats.

I am on fuckin fire! -

I'm trying to get into college, get a job and figure out what to do with my life. I've spent the last two years trying to figure that out...and it has taken me to Delaware and Virginia, I've gained knowledge and have experienced much heartache...but I'm here.

Well hello 'plainful'. Lord someone throw this girl an ugly duckling appointment. Stop bagging groceries baby - it's bad for your pussy.

3. BloodCoverdPixi (23/F) - Oh yeah - OOOHHHH Yeah sadomasochist nut ball freak that loves the Misfits and smelling like hot lunch. Fuckin "blood covered pixi" - the kind of girl you want to bring home to Mom. Picture Ally Sheedy Breakfast Club days if you didn't know she was going to be the virgin slut in St. Elmo's Fire. huh hu hu huh ? Yea that kind of creepy smelly piece of windshield debris. This is the kind of girl that hates the sun, love candle wax, brags about her one time making out with a girl, and cherishes all of her pairs of granny panties claiming that thongs are degrading. You know what else is degrating cum bucket? Dating websites - - How'd I do?

Account status: INACTIVE

Ahh well fuck --


4. Aragaramis (25/F) - I kind of like this name a little but something about it feels wrong. I'm picturing dungeons and dragons with a hint of a Rob Zombie fetish. She lives in Mt Vernon for sure and has no idea what a Friday night is without her razorblade kit to drive the pain away.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here is: i get off on violence.

Well well well - - -

She's actually kinda hot in a 'holes in my face' kind of way. Raise your hand if you think her clit is pierced. Come on - - yeah I thought so...


5. JenayKi (19/F) - Aww she used her first name. That is a sign of a trusting individual. Then she probably followed that up with the little 'ki' (most likely pronounced 'key') - I am picturing a bubbly little thing that may or may not have something more to say than "like oh my god" - or - "I heart thee so much". Let's see
Aww - she's a simpleton.

I'm really good at: Puzzles. Swimming. Cuddling. Shopping. Video Games. Gambling. Baking. Listening. Im really bad at spelling though. Just an FYI.

A fuckin scary looking moron. Jesus sweety get the fuckin sparrow out of your hair and go to a finishing school. Shit I'll pay for it - -

6. hazeleyes80 (25/F) - Oh hazel eyes 80. Any girl that says her best feature - or at least names herself after her best feature or what she assumes it is - and that feature happens to be the eyes, is just well fat and arrogant. The worst combo. You are fat. Not only are you fat but you think you're smart too. Tsk tsk on you - you are the kind of girl - just judging by your name that I would love to make cry in a huddled mass on the street.


Oh fancy ass - how I loathe you. And fancy for those of you who don't know is the new word for weighty or biggness. "She's got some fancy in there."

I like intelligent dialogue and debate, not discussing what the name of Britney Spear's baby should be. I'm opinionated, direct, and love witty banter. Can you keep up with me??

Look fatso. Just because you read Rimbaud in college does not make you an intellectual. In fact - to prove it - i'll throw out the joker card. Psst...come on lean in... YOU ARE ON THE FUCKIN INTERNET LOOKING TO ATTRACT MEN!



7. WindhamRider (19/F) - I don't know what this means but I'm guessing an active life style. Maybe she went to Windham or stayed in a Windham hall at some bullshit girls school. Who knows? She's 19, she's selling her pussy on Ebay and she needs to have her picture up here so I can make fun of her.
Ah hah!!

I'm 19, and a student at Goucher College in Baltimore MD, but originally from NY. I'm an obsessive snowboarder and an instructor during the winter at Windham Mountainin Windham, NY.

She's actually kinda cute in a New York kinda way. And by NY I obviously mean "Jew". That was a low blow but hey - it had to be said - Anyway let's look at her profile a little more here because thus far she seems rather solid - hold...

On a typical Friday night I am: hanging out with friends...if I'm home in NY it's at someone's house for a beer/smirnoff pon g tournament and if I'm at school it may be at the Inner Harbor or clubbing, or just a low key night in someone's room, or a show at the Recher...

She said the magic words - "beer smirnoff pong" - yes ladies and gentlemen she felt the need to distinguish her beer pong playing equipment into two categories "trashy" and "girly trashy". Slut..



8. Ariesnanny (25/F) - Lord - Either a single mom or a fucking Nany born under the Aries sign. First off, sweet cheeks, the word 'nanny' is not a turn on and secondly - people who tac on their sign to their name are rather fucked up in my opinion. "Hi, I'm JVMM ...AND....A Leo...how bout that? Hmm? Yeah? You and me? vibin? What do you think? Oh yeah - me leo - you sagatarius? Hot booty!" You fuckin twit. I'm guessing she's fat as well -

Holy fuck she's not fat she's a fuckin zip code. She's a goddamn (insert your own fat person euphemism here). Lord almighty - -

I am currently working in a daycare setting finishing my degree in human services before schlepping (spelling) off to bible college somewhere to get my degree in biblical counseling!

And she loves the lord. Don't all fat people love the lord? The fat, the poor, the racially opressed, and the ugly all seem to love the lord. One day those fine people will rise up and make sure that there is a Denny's or McDonald's on every corner in American. Wait...



9. meteorflower03 (21/F) - Girls with flower names. How fuckin lame is that? Well guys do it to with names like DynoMikey or CoolSteve78. Dudes use bad adjectives where as girls use delicate pieces of nature. What does this say about her physically - who knows - it could be anything. It does however say that she ain't no tigres in bed and one day she'll have one of those women's bathrooms in her house that smell of way too much potperie and has santa towels.

I'm 21 years old and I just moved to the area from the eastern shore of maryland. I'm looking to meet some cool people to hang out with.

Yawn...figured. These are the type of women that have sitting rooms that no one sits in and collect fine dishware that they never use but keep in a cabinet that is always locked.

The phot isn't too bad. She has some nice ethnicity there and a smile but - eh - the dog - the pants - the 'don't cum on my face' t-shirt. I ain't vibin.


10. florakelly (26/F) - ^^^SEE ABOVE FOR FLOWER NAME^^^


**Remember I want feedback or something.

Future Pole Swinger Thinks She'll Be a Teacher

Prerequisite:
I am a: 22 yr old woman

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: 20-30-year old man

*Online Name - ItalianStaliana



It's 20$ for a lap dance baby.



I said 20$ not two Pimlico racing tickets and a condom.



That's more like it. Cold cash makes me smile. Now remember only I can touch you. *whisper in the ear* But for an extra 20 I'll let you finger blast my pussy.




Practicing being groped in public.



6 months from now after the fall out from community college and the first boyfriend beating begins.




Personal Description:

I'm fun, point blank, I like to be around others who can make me laugh. I'm not gonna go around LOOKING for love, but it would be nice if it came up and slapped me in the face one day...I'm tierd of being alone....come laugh with me.

I'm tiered of men saying that I'm such a big meanie and that my hoo hoo smells like bacon bits. I'm Italian, sometimes we just smell bad. I am also every girl you have ever seen in your entire life that goes home with any guy because he talked to me for more than 5 minutes. See this double chin taking form? See the short hair to better frame my neck rolls? It's only gonna get worse but that doesn't mean I can't swing from a pole after my dreams come crashing down like a load of cum on a porn stars eye lashes.


Now she may not look like a stripper but believe me she will be. See those deep dark Italian eyes? See that "no boy has ever opened a door for me" sadness deep down inside? Do you see those stupid fucking stripper ear rings?

S-T-R-I-P-P-E-R.

Here let's go shopping for your future career:


Pasties - every 3rd rate strip club has them but damned if they follow health code ordinances and actually use them.




7 inch neon spiked heels. Perfect as a stocking stuffer at Xmas.



School girl mini-dress. In a size 14 for you dear.



This is hotter in my opinion. Hmm - - it smells of - - - recess.




And of course my favorite thing about Strippers; the Vanilla package from Victoria Secret. Other ladies out there who have boyfriends - if you want to drive him wild - because well, we all know he's been in a strip club recently, buy this and cover yourself in it. He'll be getting flashbacks of tight hard asses, perky nipples, and girls who call him daddy while floundering on a stage showing their birth canal in no time. You'll have the best sex of your life.



Now there's nothing wrong with being a stripper as long as you steer clear of the nose candy and the sucking dick for dollars escapades that goes on in the champagne rooms. Unfortunately sweetie, you are but alas, a 3rd rate strip club employee.

As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, you may only be a waitress that gets to mop up the cum dropping in the corner of the booths at the end of the night and fetches 5 dollar Bud Lites for the crew of sad bastard Grand Pa's there blowing the Social Security checks.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"I LOVE to think that I can sing....which means, being the dork I am, I drag my friends out every Thursday night to go to my local karaoke bar so I can sing my heart out! "

Uh huh - STRIPPER! Sing it loud and clear.

"Still at the good old Essex Community College....gonna be a teacher SOMEDAY!"

Uh huh and where are we going to get that extra piece of pocket change my vajaja showing little friend. Sugar Daddy? - think not chub rock - Dancing naked for dollars at place called "Lefties Female Review" - you got it. Essex Community College - there are only three things that come out of ECC drug dealers, strippers, and cops.


Obvious Flaws: Poor little thing is going to have a VD and a kid before she's 25. I'm sorry baby.


Hilarity Rating (1-10):
2

P Diddy's Stunt Double Has Trouble With 3rd Grade Grammar

Prerequisite:
I am a: 29 yr old man

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: 20-30-year old woman

*Online Name - SoSlyForDaEye



*It's been 4 months since our first post and I have to say that I would like to thank you the fans out there for keeping us entertained to the point that we want to keep writing. But, heed this warning, today I found 4 people that I knew within this age demographic. I restrained myself from posting their pictures because I didn't want tears in my house. But, I tell you this my brethren of cyberspace, please for God's sake learn to spell and put together a sentence properly. Stop reeking of absolute bullshit when you describe yourself. And for God's sake, stop trying to find love on the Internet. God invented alcohol and cocaine for a reason. That reason was to get people fuckin'.





"Hey yo yo yo. Letme axe you a question. Yo, would you kill fo me?"
Ladies and gentlemen now presenting Puffy's stunt double - Wayne Morgan!


Yo this finger goes out to my main Warren.
*from stage right* Psst.. It's Wayne Wayne Wayne
Yeah, I mean Wayne. Peace Dwayne.



Black men: Making Latinos feel like the life of the party since 1971.




"Man you a big bitch Ving"
"The name is Michael Duncan."
"Shoot, whateva nigga just look at the camera and smile. This tux goes back in 2 hours."





During my cabbie days in NYC. This was the stunt double for the stunt double. Needless to say - he died on Faces of Death 17: Return of the Cobra.





Personal Description:

A little about me: I'm a full time screenwriter, model , actor. I love what I do I've met and worked with some of the top people in the industry. I've come a long way from that little city boy. Honestly inspite of all the blessings I've had. Still I'm a real person, i try to remain grounded. I could go on for days about what I want in a relationship. If your reading this you've probably read a hundred, and they've all probably said the same thing. Well I just going to be honest with you. I'm not perfect and will never claim to be. I'm cranky some mornings for no apparent reason. Sometimes I can be very hard headed. I can be messy, sometimes I do forget to put the seat down. You may catch me pretending to understand what women go through, hey at least I try. With alll that being said I can be your rock. I'll lsiten when your heart crys. I can cook. I'll make a fool out of myself to bring a smile to your face. If you need to talk in the middle of the night I'll hold one eye open a listen. I'll always tell you your beautiful even when en you've put on twenty pounds. I'm just a man, I'm not claiming to be nothing special, because everyone is special. I just being real , or there any other real women out there.

Holy shit that was long - I'm out of breath. Wait...let me .... get my breath. Apparently I the one to maybe take out the garbage. Or least do it half way. I take you dinner but maybe only if your ass don't smell like dog nards. One time I correctly made out a full sentence but forgot how to do. When you see my name in light I be the one that spelled wrong because i no longer understood how to spell Ophleiousiouus. Fonetic right?

Ok OK OK I'm stretching up there. Why did I choose this guy you ask? Well one - the fucker looks like puff daddy. Two, in his awesomeness he had the audacity to post a picture of himself with George Lopez. That is the equivalent of me posting a picture of myself and umm - Edith from All in the Family.

"Archie there's a square headed mouthy boy out here who wants to take his picture with me."
"Jeeeeesus Edith."

Anyway dude, you suck blah blah blah, same old shit, you suck you suck you suck. Hold on that writing looks like it belongs to you. Well I shall say then good sir. You are quite the sucking suck. Good day. I'm loopy.


Descriptive Hilarities:

"Well I just moved to Baltimore so, I don't really know the local hot spots. I love the harbor though, and I like eating a good steak from Ruth Chris or Shula's steak house. Power plant a few times, that was okay."

Yawn, I like when I go to NYC to see Central Park. I also like the staue of liberty. When I go to Paris I like the Eiffel Tower and Crepes. Listen, fuck nut, I know Baltimore is the epicenter of the screen writer's guild but come on man, with pictures of you plus Ving Rhames you figured you could at least get a table at Valeggias or something. Pull some strings big league.

"My job is the best job under the sun. I am screenwriter, I've work with Michael Clark Duncan to Jim Carrey. I travel all the time and I get to go to all the great Industry parties. Amd i don't have to fake it. "

Did the Junior Varsity Ving Rhames (Michael Clark Duncan) and Jim "my career is in the toilet" Carrey allow you to type out the script, or were you just really around because you were Puffy's stunt double on the Pepsi commercial and someone asked you for a Pastrami on Rye? Hmm...hmmmmmm?



"This is me at the super bowl. Puffy has a car mirror phobia - shhhh"

Last time I checked, one of the perquisites for screen writing is to be able to A) Spell and B) Grammatically compose a sentence without sounding like you were a Haitian woman pulling bananas out of your mouth. I mean who the fuck do you write for, the TV show "One on One"?


"Now D why did you quit the cheerleading team?"
"Because Daddy. You be chasin all the hoochie around."

Because that is a culturally important program in need of praise and likely to get you hooked up with George "Macho Camacho" Lopezszzs.


Obvious Flaws: I don't know umm he sucks. Suck rating 9. I can't picture on this Wed the 8th a suckier suck hole to come in contact with my suckness rater. So you win sucker.


Hilarity Rating (1-10):
8

Sad Chad Wants to Kill Himself With You

Prerequisite:




It's the long lost nephew of Dennis from Head of the Class fame.






Goofy, drug free, bland communist clothing. Ladies, what else can you ask for?





This is me with bad acne. Yummy.





Words can't explain my desire to crap down your neck.



Personal Description:

My friends often tell me they want to 'hook me up' with their ex's they still have as friends, because I'm the 'nice guy.' They know I treat women right and never take advantage of them. I have low self-esteem (although people tell me they dont' know why) so I'm kind of shy when approaching women at first. But once I'm either introduced to a girl, and had time to get used to being around that individual, most girls really like me. I make friends easily, and I'm easy to get along with, but I have standards for friends and the people I surround myself with. No Drugs, no trouble makers, honost people, who know the right way of having a good time. So I have few friends, but each of them are truely priceless individuals.

Hi, I'm Sad Chad and I also like the rain. I enjoy walking down to the "History of the Elderly" museum to cry over the life of the pigeons. I often find myself crying over episodes of Days of Our Lives wishing Brock and Brook would get back together and rekindle the flame that kept me going through all those years my mother made me scrub the skid marks out of her panties while I was chained to the couch.

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Come one and come all to witness first hand the guy that you have no intention of fucking or hanging around with. Jesus dude, I mean shit "I have low-self esteem". You might as well just say I had a diseased penis that fell off while I was fucking a 9 year old prostitute which may or may not have been my cousin. Even that might not be as big a turn off as "Oh gosh - I just don't have any faith in myself. Oh pooo..."

Somebody throw this fucker a rope with a nice noose in it. Seriously, you don't seem like too savvy an individual and there are only two things I deliberate over when someone asks me whether or not someone should die:
1. Will they ever be of any amusement to me?
Answer for you: "No, you won't because you seem like the kind of guy that likes the smell of fish and enjoys cleaning up trash from near by natural reserves. These two things thus equal you being of no entertainment value to me."
2. Will my taxes ever go to stabilizing your life?
Answer for you: "Yes, one day they will. I can only imagine your thrill a minute life working inside of Spencer’s at White Marsh mall. You cringe and run your fingers down your black Levi's every time someone tries on the hooter muffs".
Ladies can I maybe help you find a matching pair of shoes with that?

So given that I hope you die.

On to more enlightening things.

No Drugs, no trouble makers, honost people, who know the right way of having a good time.

First off, that was not a sentence. Second, please for fucks sake go back to third grade and learn how to spell – and take the rest of the JVMM fraternity with you (especially Ronald the Ultimate Male).


Thirdly, I want to get this straight once and for all. Drugs are not the problem with society. Drugs have nothing to do with "winners" and "losers". There are doctors that I know who blow lines of coke off of strippers thighs on Thursday afternoon before they have to stick a tongue depressor down little Billy's mouth. This doesn't mean he's a loser - you know what it means you sad fuck, it means you just don't know how to live. You are confused by thinking that drugs mean dependency on a failing way of life. I disagree and proclaim that drugs are in actuality the celebration of life. However you look at it - I hope you get fucked up the ass by a flying bowling ball. One day you will come the realization that your wasted effort to dodge enjojyment have landed you with a Mega Moo wife and 3 kids who spell worse than you. And you may have an even bigger problem when I show up at your house demanding my tax money back because I funded their education.
I told you once. I won't be telling you again. Stop fuckin up the gene pool and teach those little snot farmers how to spell "honest".

Descriptive Hilarities:

Favorite things:
I have (3) favorite colors. Blue, green, and black. When its raining (and warm) I like to go for walks. I like going snowboarding in the winter. I usually do my shopping at Marley Station Mall or Walmart in Glen Burnie.
"

I have a favorite stuffed animal I call Ganga but you don't hear me sharing moronic shit like that do you? I mean honestly these are your favorite things:
1. Colors
2. Walks in the rain
3. The snowboarding thing... ok ok ok
4. Fucking Wal Mart and the mall????


Obvious Flaws:
Low Self Esteem, Acne, Sad - just a sad sad little boy.
Hilarity Rating (1-10):
0

Show Me Your FUPA You Crazy Nazi Cow!!!

Prerequisite:
I am a: 42yr old woman

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: 35 to 50-year old woman

*Online Name - Minskore




This was taken 2 years after my divorce. The photographer kept saying "Give me more boob. MORE BOOB!" I gave him more boob alright and a tasty whiff of my slime bowl.





GROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL MOTHERFUCKER!




Notice the bone structure and eyes and ladies and gentlemen I think I have brought back the mad hatter of the famed Mini-series theatrical awfulness of Stephen King. I have found PENNYWISE from "IT".



"And your little dog too....."






Personal Description:

I'm outgoing, witty, classy, intelligent, energetic, level headed, self aware, self assured, and honest. I want a man who has it together but financially and mentally. Looking to meet older men, who are past the stage of baggage, more settled in their lives, who likes to travel, dining out, knows how to treat a woman like a lady, can carry his own in intelligent conversation, knows how to loosen up, laugh and have fun. Not interested in men with beards or Gotee's. I like men who are caring and compassionate, who treats the people around him with respect and understanding.

I love commas! I love commas! I love commas! I love commas! And of course Angela Landsbury. I mean who doesn’t own season 1-3 of Murder She Wrote on DVD and masturbate to the one episode when Tom Seleck was on and giving her a backrub. Oh the times I used to have with my 14 ince squash and baby oil. Oh but I digress. I also don't like men with any body hair or nose or eye brows. I enjoy a good clean environment.

Old women! I swear - always talking about how men have to "have it together" - well you know what you dumb old whore, if you had put down the cock from your mouth when you were 22 and stopped riding Jorge Lopez the dishwasher from your restaurant you might have snagged a man. If you could have ceased on the Bon Jovi tattoos and hashish smoking you too could have caught yourself a man that doesn't smell like booze and lottery tickets when he comes home to belch the alphabet. "All the good one's just seem to be gone" - she cries as she thinks about botox and her pilate class.


All women - not just old women - want a man who is "financially secure" or "baggage free".


Well bitch let me tell you what we want. We want you to shave your asshole when that shit gets hairy. We want you to stop bitching and to be able to take a punch to the throat when you talk during the 4th quarter. We want you to lie and tell us you saw God, fireworks, and David Koresh playing horseshoes when you orgasm. We also want you to learn how to clean and cook and shut the fuck up about starting "your career".


We want all these things but then you know what, we'll want you to change and have a career and a hairy hoo ha hole. One day we'll wish you had ordered pizza instead of cooking a steak. You know why? Because everyone is fucking insane you crazy Nazi cow. No one has it together. Everyone has baggage and let me tell you something - - psst - - no come on lean in --- by going cock hunting on the Internet YOU HAVE BAGGAGE TOO YOU SLOP CUP!

Where's my Knight in shining armor. Why doesn't my vagina smell clean anymore?


Descriptive Hilarities:

"I have a passion for writing, involved in various writing ventures, groups, teach university writing courses, conduct workshops/seminars, enjoy dining out, movies, reading, art galleries, siping latte's while socializing with friends, etc."

First off you teach English at a University and you spelled "sipping" wrong. Second, I'm sure your students would love to see that shot of you straddling a pillow on your bed like you are waiting for Mandingo the 14 inch cock monster man, to come reorganize your lower intestine.

Favorite Hot Spots: Not into wild and crazy bars, don't mind an occassional Saturday night of dancing though at a nice nite club, but prefer small cozy coffee shops, where we can engage in good conversation, as opposed to loud noisey bars.

You want to know why old people don't like bars as they get older. Because they can't cut the fucking mustard. A bar - is where sexually overt people go to fuck. Let's not beat around the bush - in one way or another we go to bars to build up our fuck points. Old people run out of fuck points when they start wearing FUPA cover jeans and shopping for 'Just for Men'.
+ = Awesome!



Obvious Flaws:
Old and old. Old people trying to get laid are sadder than a 1 legged puppy in a pound. You feel sorry for it but damned if you are going to take it home - and the sooner it's euthanized the more balance is brought back to the world.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
3

Senior Citizen Wants New Lease on Life - JVMM says "DENIED"

Prerequisite:
I am a: 67 yr old man

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: 60 to 70-year old woman

*Online Name - Poppy Boobles



Ladies and gentlemen he's back from the other side of the fucking mirror and he's looking for some tushy! It's Kane from Poltergeist II.





This was the last time they let me out of the retirement home. The person taking this picture wouldn't take me home though. I told her I was house broken. *tears


Personal Description:

I'm gregarious & a bit of an iconoclast. I'd like my date to have a sense of humor, be fairly goodlooking, & be a good listener. Being trustworthy with no lying except for little white lies is OK. Liking kites & Cats are nice attributes. Come fly with me, pet my Bengal cat, & be happy

Shut up Junior! I'm trying to type over here. So let's see what else. I like pulses. Anything with a pulse is hot bacon for me. And if you don't have a shit bag attached to your hip I guess I'm all for a roll in the ben gay and craftmatic.


+ . = HOT FUN!

Old people. I swear nothing screams pointless to me more than the care taking of the elderly. If you no longer are productive in society then I don't mind seeing a trans-Atlantic swim event for all those over 70. The worst is old people trying to convince me they still have their chops by saying "I'm gregarious & a bit of an iconoclast." hmm and I'm a bit of an antagonistic reactionary you old fuck!

Seriously, put the elderly to work. Make them read to illiterate kids. Let them turn a giant turbine somewhere in a cave being lead around by a man in a leather mask constantly cracking a whip.


Old people make me nauseous. And I know what you're saying, not my Grammy Foo Foo she's great. Look, in all seriousness, she isnt, and as long as your family keeps her in the house and off of social services and out from behind a goddamn steering wheel I have no problem with her living - but you get one of these single old fuckers and I just want to grab some rocks stuff them in their pockets - tell them there's a buffet "over there" and as they turn and become more disoriented I push them into the water and happily whistle the theme from the Sound of Music as I walk away. I walk away listening to muffled sounds of "My pills...my pil...s"

Old Poppy Booble here is alone. His family no longer wants anything to do with him. He was impotent for so long he never procreated. His wife of 40 years found a tanning boy named Paco off the island of St Bart and took half his shit and moved down there to have her varicose veins rubbed every day. Poor Poppy Boobles wants someone to take strolls with him and not cringe at his racial slurs or remarks of "Back in the day do you remember when milk cost 4 chicken eggs and handful of wheat?"

I mean how close are you to suicide if you are a 68 year old man on a dating service? Just do it already pops. It won't take much. Just watch some midget porn and I'm sure you won't make it threw without at least a stroke.




Descriptive Hilarities:

"I'm a movie buff. Favorite actor Russell Crowe actress, Kim Basinger I play chess, do some hiking with the MD. Mt. Club & The Sierra Club, & do a bit of volunteering at The Baltimore Humane Society. I enjoy attending The Meyerhoff."

I can't wait to be retarded when I grow old. I can't wait to walk around and vouch for the awesomeness that was Motley Crue and Celine Dione the same way Poppy Booble vouched for --- wait for it ---- Russell Crowe and Kim Basinger. Man - - she was awesome in 8 mile - a real - whore.

"I just finished DaVinci Code."A lucky Man" by Michael J. Fox was enjoyable"

A lover of fine literature as well. Bravo!

Obvious Flaws:
Let me pack this man's parachute. Let me pack it and push Poppy Boobles out of the plane.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
2