Junior Varsity Meat Market

Creepy Rajiv Wants your White Ass

2011-07-19T14:49:00.008-04:00

What you are about to read may shock you. What you are about to see below may have you wondering about the pleasant nature of Indian men and how they might share a space with you in a restaurant or on a bus. What you are about to read is creepy as fuck… and it’s real… it’s so real… that I considered not posting it… but then again what kind of ass bandit would I be if I didn’t alert you to "Rajiv the White Woman Hunter."

About him & Who he's looking for

When you comfortably sleep at night, hugging a teddy bear or hugsy penguin....someone from the rooftops of a tall buildings keeps an eye on DC, NOVA, MD.
You are right ... this is that "someone" who is a DC professional by day and Batman by night ! ... or at least wishes to be. : ))
Batgirl...Catwoman or any other taker? care joining for adventures?

Yep… that’s real. That happened. Rajiv the Punjab Batman is protecting you as you sleep. He wants you to know that you and your “hugsy penguin” are safe under his watchful eye. His hot, mustachioed, watchful eye – with brown pants, a short sleeve button down shirt, and a David Hasselhoff haircut… at least that’s what I picture when I get all stereotypical.

I'm honored that my friends describe me as ebullient, birilliant, funny, respectful, motivated, dependable, an explorer of cultures and someone who believes in equality. I try to keep a cool head at all times and believe friendship to be the key to any relationship. I be happy with simple things in life and thrilled by bigger challenges. I wish to find unconditional love....to meet someone special who will be my best friend and partner in crime !

PICTURE

I don’t know what’s more off putting - the exclamation point at the end of “crime” or the misspelling brilliant…? I’m gonna go with the fact that I can more than likely smell him through the screen.

My ideal match will be a girl who is zestful about life, romantic and compassionate. Someone who believes that being pretty inside is more or equally important than just to have pretty looks. I am specially interested in American girls and not Indian gils

If she is fond of traveling then that'd be to awesome.....I'm looking forward to enjoy the Himalayan Sunrise, afternoon in Iceland ( in summer), cultural evening in Istanbul and midnight in Paris with her. : )

The Dark Knight is just a wink/email away !

Holy shit man. I can’t even make this shit up… first off. For someone so brilliant you have serious issues with spelling and grammar. Second… dude… you’re creepy. Like you’re clown creepy or Asian dude in the club creepy. I don’t know really what else to say – you’re not only full of shit but dude…. You’re Asian which is like being homeless or something when it comes to picking up white women. It’s impossible unless you are British or have some sort of official accomadation that your cock isn’t 3 inches or go to Johns Hopkins and your date has underarm hair and really really really love Al Gore and Rushdie. I mean it’s just gonna be a tough road to hoe for you buddy. And being a man that is synonymous with Batman references in order to pick up ladies is not gonna get you any points.

Interests:

Book club, Camping, Coffee and conversation, Cooking, Dining out, Fishing/Hunting, Hobbies and crafts, Movies/Videos, Museums and art, Music and concerts, Exploring new areas, Nightclubs/Dancing, Performing arts, Playing sports, Shopping/Antiques, Travel/Sightseeing, Video games, Wine tasting

Sports and exercise:

Basketball, Bowling, Cycling, Football, Dancing, Martial arts, Running, Skiing, Swimming, Walking / Hiking, Yoga

Exercise habits:

Exercise 5 or more times per week

Pets:

I have

I like

I'll tell you later

I have I like

Political views:

I'll tell you later

He’ll tell you later about the pets. Nobody wants to know about Mr. Scribbles and his peanut butter obsession just yet.

Favorite Hot Spots:

London, Scottish Highlands, Northern India, Maldive islands, Singapore, Yellowstone National Park, Grand Canyon, SFO/Bay area, Lake Erie, Door Peninsula, North beach ( Ft Desoto Park)/Florida, Acadia/Maine.

Occupation: Executive / Management No preference

IT professional at a global financial firm

An IT Indian dude?

New Post Coming Soon...

2011-07-18T15:14:00.001-04:00

It's been hectic around the JVMM office... we are currently working on a new whore and douchebag testing device - we will have more info very shortly - expect 1-2 posts in the netx 3 - 4 days.

Thanks
MGMT

Part 2 - Bar Friends - A letter continued...

2011-07-11T11:11:00.002-04:00

Bar Friends - Next stop in our letter time machine is the idea of Bar Friends. Bar friends are those old lose bags that you met at the bar. They usually have a nickname like Sunny or Big Jim. They don’t matter. I’m not saying that they don’t matter for some things – I’m saying – don’t get emotionally invested in their lives. Proximity mixed with libations usually leads to some sort of lowered self worth that allows pure scumbag strangers to mosey into your world. Avoid this at all costs… use them and lose them.

Advice – Bar friends are usually people that are much older than you are…. If you find yourself… much like we did, patronizing a lesser run-of-the-mill institution that specialized in hard whiskey, narcotics, and not being having the where-with-all to allow bothersome coeds to eye you up than you’ll understand the crowd we speak of. They are more than likely in their 40’s and 50’s with alcohol and drug problems. They have sad sad sad stories to tell and all of them have been wronged or screwed or are looking for a "break". NEWSFLASH - they aren't gonna get one. They likely work odd jobs or no jobs at all and they want to suck the sunshine out of your youth. Now, they don’t know that they are sucking the sunshine out of your soul but they are… with every drink they buy you or line they put in front of you they are merely trying to warm themselves by the heated coals of your youth. You see these people as “elders” or “wise” and in actuality – they are fucking losers. They may be nice, honest, hard working, good people but in the long run – this is a huddled mass of failure. It really is. Don’t aim so low as to think that Puerto Rican Steve is going to be your buddy in 10 years. Don’t assume that Sunny or Big Jim are really going to be at your wedding or know your children… they aren’t. They are nice to have around – but they certainly can be hurtful to your growth. Now this may seem a tad harsh – and it really is – but in our experiences we wasted more time with total fucking succubus’s of people, and even at times chose them over our real friends, that we know enough to tell you that bar people – don’t fucking matter. Cut ‘em loose from any personal ties and don’t share your wealth or your heart with them… else… be one you may.

In our next segment we will look at whores - enjoy the day.

Ed Hardy Faux Lady Wants You To Pay Her Way Please

2011-07-07T13:49:00.008-04:00

Ok ladies and germs – I’ve decided to start off – well to start off with what most would consider to be a “normal” person. But we here at the JVMM know that no one is normal and that we’re all totally fucked up – but – we hate a story that doesn’t add up and we hate what we can smell as semi-lies and total bullshit. With that said – let’s get to our first candidate and reviewee -

We will just call her - Jabitha - I like that... it's warm...

About her & Who she's looking for

I consider myself a dichotomy. I am a very girly girl but also a tom boy at the exact same time. I love dressing up for a night out, going to the spa ,and shopping but I'm also a huge sports fan and am very active.

“I looked up the word dichotomy so that you would think I was really super smart.”

I am a liberal open minded modern girl with very traditional family values. I believe in marriage and family. My parents have been married for over 30 years and I look at it as a serious commitment not to be entered into lightly.
But before I get ahead of myself, lol, let me tell you what I am looking for now..I am looking to find a guy and fall in love. I want to find someone that I have amazing chemistry with AND that will be my best friend and partner. I love sports, music, entertaining, fashion, traveling , animals, TV, movies, yoga, reading, and pilates..just to name a few things.

“blah blah blah” – nothing of super interest here other than the fact that she is “trying” to appear down to earth – this is a no no- using polysyllabic words mixed with a long list of details that would bore the shit out of most college acceptance review boards is a red flag for us. Don’t try to spice yourself up. If you live in Canton and drive a Range Rover and only love 10 inch cocks – fucking say it - don’t beat around the bush with the yoga and the pets and the family shit…. Give me a break. If all that were true you would have no problem finding a man – in actuality you are more than likely BAT FUCKIN SHIT crazy. Because if that other stuff were true someone would have wified you a long time ago.

That being said I love meeting people with different interests because I love learning new things. I am a huge Ravens fan. I am against hunting and harming animals, that is one of the only activity or interest I would have a problem with. I volunteer and do fundraising for the SPCA. I LOVE animals, especially dogs. I have a huge heart. I look forward to being a wife and mother someday. I also really enjoy traveling, I have done quite a bit of it but I am far from done, I want to see as much of the world as I can. I get bored easy and love planning new and exciting trips/adventures...my next dream destination is South Africa.
I love going to parties, events, and any social gathering in general. I love to entertain and throw parties as well. I am also very happy at home and consider myself a bit of homebody too. I love hanging out at home, watching tv, movies, reading, and just relaxing.

“Basically I am encompassing all of the good traits of everyone I know. I once read about Ghandi… I am also a Hindu in training.” While this all may be moderately evident of truth – we here at the JVMM know from experience that no one can be all of these, and still be single – or have sullied themselves enough to appear on a fucking dating website at 29 in Baltimore – and still be truthful. It’s not possible – plus we are old enough now to know that if you are a 29 year old, 5’10”, thin, blond, with no kids in Baltimore city – and you are single… you are broken in some fuckin way. Either you love big cocks and a have a slight learning disability – or you are just so unlucky and diseased that no one will touch you. Either those or they have a word for girls like you – it’s called Italians.

Looks are important of course, but personality and sense of humor, and attitude in general can always boost attraction...
..I am 5'10.. so the only physical requirement I have is that I am looking for a tall guy.. Ultimately Initial attraction is important but I am also looking for a potential best friend who is in it for the long haul. :-)

Here’s where she starts to crack a little…. You can see the frivolous superficial her shining through… it’s there… trust us.

Now for some highlights

I have Dogs I like Birds, Exotic pets, Fish, Horses, Other

I live with 3 dogs, 2 yorkies , and a maltese. My childhood dog Maxx was a Cairn Terrior that I had for 17 years. He passed away last year.

Jesus Christ. Strap yourself in for a shit load of “ooglily poogily woogily” talk – mixed with some heinous Couture handbags and a fucked up thong collection matched with a propensity for violent mood swings come bleedin’ time. How do we know this? Well the thing is we have a "magic crazy-bitch 8 ball" that we shake sometimes and it asks for input like – What dogs does she have? And in this case we sent "three fuckin yap muffins" into the 8 ball and got out “You’re fucked” as a response. So…we know what’s up.

Favorite hotspots:

Love going out to eat In baltimore/dc area.Vegas, Miami, New York, Scottsdale, LA, San Diego, islands, Europe (Italy, Switzerland, Paris)

When hailing from old Mobtown – it’s important to know that you are here… not on the moon… not in a runway video or hanging out of Jay Z Limo whilst being finger crushed by some lighting technician that the Jigga is throwing a bone too... "Yo go 'head and hit that busted white bitch... and use the limo." – and not by any stretch of the imagination having “hotspots” in Miami and Switzerland – you daft twat. High maintenance alert just went to Overdrive… it’s about to go redline…

Her Income- I’ll tell you later

Her Date’s Income preference - $100,001 to $150,000, $150,001+

When dealing with whores who loves men in Ed Hardy shirts there’s only two real categories you need to put together - - the one above… and…

Her education – I’ll tell you later

Her Date’s Education Preference – Some high school

Yeah – good luck making that cash with the GED from your time at Curley – I mean – I know some dudes who can make some money without the education – but they certainly don’t flaunt it – and no girl I know would ever put 150k+ and some high school education in the same room with each other… know what I’m saying…? So once you do the math - you know where she'll be on Friday night - either in some local party at Lux or Xanadu hoping to get a limo with some blow and a cage for her yorkies - or at home crying pretending she's someone she's not - - either one is totally possible.

Well lady – I think we know you enough. Thanks for being our first participant in quite some time.We hope you enjoyed it.

Part 1 - Being a Smoke - A letter from 32 Year Old Us to 23 Year Old Us

2011-07-07T12:45:00.004-04:00

What is to follow is a recording of advice - given by the JVMM to the 23 year old aspiring JVMM within us all - we will be bringing you your regularly scheduled pics and dicks soon - but - bare with us - as we are cracking our knuckles and sharpening our wits in preparation for the undertaking ahead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear 23 Year Old Us,

We are taking it upon ourselves to develop a time machine… and not for the capitalistic, humanitarian, or philanthropic reasons that may exist in all that could be in the time machine arena… but instead we are using this time machine to send you a letter on how better to enjoy College II or as you know it “the years 23 to 27”. Possibly the greatest years of your life….

Being a Smoke – We once wrote something about being a “smoke”. The first chapter was actually called “Money and why to say Fuck It.” Boy, were we wrong on that one. It was also about how to live your life with absolute indignation and disregard for any sort of moral code or monetary foundation. It all fuckin boils down to wanting to be the rock star within you – to put your complete self on the Pass Line of a craps table and say “Fuck it. Come what may motherfuckers. And who has money for another whiskey and a railer?” It’s about thumbing your news at getting old and not caring about being young any more. It’s a loss of innocence wrapped up in the idea of immortality – unfortunately… intimations of immortality reflect poorly when you are face down in a pool of your own blood.

Advice – When you are 23 to 27 aspire to be a smoke… but always keep your eye on the bottom line. 32- year-old-us spent the years of 27-32 digging out from financial misery and it cost them dearly. We got this way by being an unwise smoke. And that’s what we are here to help with… be a smart smoke. While friends were starting families and buying homes we were hanging out with dirty Puerto Ricans, chasing whores around town, borrowing money from family, and basically being a shit. Be a smoke… but be a rich smoke. Don’t be afraid to thumb your nose at that which you know is bullshit – but don’t pay with your wallet – pay with your dignity (or lack thereof), and your balls.

2^nd Advice – Being a smoke will rub people the wrong way. It just will - you can't walk around pissing in everyone's cereal expecting them to be happy... but other smokes, like you, and your true friends will sort of understand most likely find it very humorous.

Your true friends will come back to you when you are older… in the mean time… fuck them. Fuck those fringe ass fuckin' friends who look down their nose at you. They can suck a dick. You know why? Because they already fuckin quit at being awesome. They’ve moved on to being an adult or being some sort of fuckin image of themselves that their girlfriend or family wants. In 30 years they are gonna wake up and say – "I should have done something for myself…" well too late mother fucker… you were too busy sucking. Plus these people are good to get out of the fuckin way anyway - it's just another $75 a head at the wedding... so fuck them... and drop dead weight whenever possible. Stay true to the inner you - ask yourself, "Would Keith Richards hang out with this fuckin' wet dish towel?" No? Then fuck off and get the fuck out of my way. Go buy a suit from Jos. A Banks and lease a Beamer you slimy anus. You weren't ready to hang out anyway - enjoy nothing.

Do your own thing… just don’t steal from anyone or hurt anyone… but making fun of your friend’s girlfriend – actually anyone’s girlfriend – when you’re 23, is totally acceptable. If you are going to do it btw – make sure you have shades on and a cocktail in your hand.

In summation - "smokedom" is a right of passage. It's also a chance for you, later in life, to have some amazing stories. The men and women that stick with you during your smokedom are the ones that are going to play a role in those stories. The ones that won't... blah blah blah. You can hang out with them again at a family picnic or a fuckin Christening - but don't waste any sleep on them. Just keep your money right. If you do that... everything else is cream cheese.

Also... listen to coach. He can get you through anything... enjoy it son. We know we did.

A Return to Writing – from the JVMM review board. Proofed, edited, and conceptualized by the Chairman of the Board.

2011-07-07T08:14:00.004-04:00

Introduction – This weekend the JVMM was walking through Federal Hill at an early hour. In front of us were a small band of brothers. And we say brothers in the same brevity in which we refer to a band of rats looking for dead birds and small kittens to pray on. We knew them – we were them – for that brief moment in time we wanted to be them again.

They were in their early 20’s. Fully haired. Fully fit. Bright eyed and recently laid… and hopefully laid well. They had cargo shorts, a t-shirt, and flops on – they looked like your standard private school Baltimore bullshit pack and God did we love them. We wanted to walk up and high five them in the face with all our love. We wanted to hand over the magic chalice of knowledge that contains the answers to the mysteries they are about to embark on. And then…

...Then we realized that it was time… it was time for two things. One – the JVMM must rise from it’s ashes… quietly at first and anonymously (for several reasons). And second – we have aged. We have grown. We are no longer the drug snorting, baby punching, bare bottomed heathens of our early 20’s and hence… we need to help save that generation – or at least guide them – from the same mistakes we made. If we can save even one lost soul not getting laid, not smiling from ear to ear and not totally sucking the marrow from his early 20's, than it was all worth it. So it was time to take a liberty or two - and stray from our usual mention of smelly privates and phony assholes into a realm of tutelage and love -- a shepherd if you will that can guide today's youth through the mine field that is just terrible fucking shit. And so…

This spawned the JVMM’s first writing in quite some time. It will be an open letter. It will be a letter from 32 year old us to 23 year old. We will explain to them what to ignore, what to partake on, and how best to traverse the pot holes of bullshit that sit like inverted steaming piles of lies that hope to rob you of your youth. We. Will. Help. So without further ado… we present –
An Open Letter from 32 Year old Us to 23 Year Old Us….

Coming soon….

Cheap College Vodka Wants In Your Pants

2006-08-02T15:00:00.000-04:00

Let me just first start by saying that I am sorry for being away for a year. Let me secondly say Fuck You and enjoy some assholes that participate in online dating. Laughing at douche bags was just too much to stay away from. I just ran out of different ways to say "douche bag". No worries though, I can just say fuckin douche bag or shit rag douche bag - and that's different... right?

Prerequisite:
I am a: 26 yr old male

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: seeking women 21-36

*Online Name - nicu21230 (cute)

This is him - my new friend Nicolai or Sergei or Popov. I have no idea why I name him that other than that he looks pretty damn Russian. He also looks like a normal dude right? Well you'll find out his level of douchebaggery is rather high.

I told you...but you didn't believe me. The bow tie has reared its ugly head and landed smack dab in the middle of your screen. It also brought with it a look of absolute boredom and contempt.

There seems to be a theme of booze in all pictures.

More booze and double the bow tie. Is it me or do the people in this picture look like they just got done with a really long car ride and someone stuck them with the tab to boot? I wonder if this is Popov's family.

Dis here isa my crrrewww. We roll out on de night as true men of tastes and talents

Personal Description:

I'm also a raving fuckin asshole who will more than likely yell at and beat our children for not keeping the dark socks with the dark socks and the white socks with the white socks. I also pee myself from time to time and then head butt the wall to knock my mom's voice out of my head "Popov, you peed again didn't you?" "NO MOM - LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

Famous Bow Tie's That Are Cooler Than You Are

This is what Old Blue Eyes thinks of you

You have nothing on Billy Nye the Science Guy - as a matter of fact I'm sure captain crazy aka Bill Nye the Science Guy would rip you a new one like a ferret building a home in the ground.

You don't even have shit on bow tie pasta

Stick with what you know ass clown.

What douchebag does for fun:

Spontaneous

concerts in the park

resturant

Man those spontaneous oriole games sound so fucking enthralling they might combust instantly into a big ball of fun that cannot be contained. If I was a girl, and I just might be, I would be dripping wet at the idea of a spontaneous night at Oriole park.

And on a second note there Pops, this is Baltimore we are talking about. There are no parks that people sit in and there are certainly no concerts in said park. Unless the faint scream of another snotty white kid getting mugged as he runs for the beamer his Daddy bought for him is music to your ears. I know it's music to mine....I know it's what you fear most bow tie man.

Thirdly, captain worldly pleasures, you spelled "restaurant" incorrectly.

"Sports and exercise: Inline skating "
Uh huh. Inline skating. Unless you are a gay guy named Persey living in NYC and you smooth ride to the Chelsea pier every Sunday then there is no need, NO FUCKING NEED, for you to ever, under any circumstance, EVER, put on inline skates.

Final Thoughts: Sergei or Josef isn't that awful of a person and not that different from both you and I. But look into his eyes and tell me he doesn't look like an evil, child beating, bambi fucking, booze hound, nazi junior youth, Reaganite?

Fuck Match.com

2005-08-05T09:59:00.000-04:00

Alright guys - I've heard you loud and clear and since the Staff here at the JVMM has spent countless minutes preparing the profiles below we now need your input and help. If I don't get 3 suggestions I'll shut this fucker down.

1) Match.com now has a pay-per view system where I have to pay to see fuck face pictures or balding men in comfortable pants talk to me about their love of hiking. I won't do that so we need to find ourselves a new venue. Find me one - - OK cupid - Fuck I don't know but find me one that you think I can slam baste.

2) I want some suggestions of who I should roast. Find me a gay tranny (as if there are straight trannies) that likes puppies and walks on the beach with their dicks tucked between their legs. Anything - - the more put together the better - or give me your sister or friend if you think I'm up for the challenge - the point is that the staff here need some help and we would appreciate your feedback. Cheers - and go fuck yourself.

JVMM

Until then I'll leave you with this - - You can tell alot about dumb girls by their screen name - for example - - I received these lovely fat trolls today in my email and would like to dissect their stupid fucking names to give you a more behind-the-scenes look at what vegetable they shove up their hoo ha. Just for shits and giggles I'll post their pick after I write the description. All I have is their name and their age - let's see how well I do.

1. bellechevre (36/F) - Anybody who tries to be clever with their name by having some fucking French bullshit word or an obscure Sylvia Plathe quote as their handle should more than likely enjoy cuddling up next to fires while you brush their really REALLY long pubic hair with the cat's brush. Followed closely by a nice episode of MASH and rolling around in cheese.

Holy fuck - I'm not lying when I say that - well that is her - and I didn't see that until I got done writing that. I'm so glad it's blurry that it's not even funny. At least I can't see the cheeto dust accumulating on the side of your pudgy little fat face.

2. gemorrahbtrswt (19/F) - To be honest I don't know what this name is about. Gem + orra + bratwurst? - who the fuck knows. She's 19 and she's on a dating service. That means the following: She - doesn't go to college and she's more than likely a shallow cunt working in a grocery store trying to make sure my eggs are on top and my detergent cradles the base for my frozen meats.

I am on fuckin fire! -

I'm trying to get into college, get a job and figure out what to do with my life. I've spent the last two years trying to figure that out...and it has taken me to Delaware and Virginia, I've gained knowledge and have experienced much heartache...but I'm here.

Well hello 'plainful'. Lord someone throw this girl an ugly duckling appointment. Stop bagging groceries baby - it's bad for your pussy.

3. BloodCoverdPixi (23/F) - Oh yeah - OOOHHHH Yeah sadomasochist nut ball freak that loves the Misfits and smelling like hot lunch. Fuckin "blood covered pixi" - the kind of girl you want to bring home to Mom. Picture Ally Sheedy Breakfast Club days if you didn't know she was going to be the virgin slut in St. Elmo's Fire. huh hu hu huh ? Yea that kind of creepy smelly piece of windshield debris. This is the kind of girl that hates the sun, love candle wax, brags about her one time making out with a girl, and cherishes all of her pairs of granny panties claiming that thongs are degrading. You know what else is degrating cum bucket? Dating websites - - How'd I do?

Account status: INACTIVE Ahh well fuck --

4. Aragaramis (25/F) - I kind of like this name a little but something about it feels wrong. I'm picturing dungeons and dragons with a hint of a Rob Zombie fetish. She lives in Mt Vernon for sure and has no idea what a Friday night is without her razorblade kit to drive the pain away.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here is: i get off on violence.

Well well well - - -

She's actually kinda hot in a 'holes in my face' kind of way. Raise your hand if you think her clit is pierced. Come on - - yeah I thought so...

5. JenayKi (19/F) - Aww she used her first name. That is a sign of a trusting individual. Then she probably followed that up with the little 'ki' (most likely pronounced 'key') - I am picturing a bubbly little thing that may or may not have something more to say than "like oh my god" - or - "I heart thee so much". Let's see
Aww - she's a simpleton.

I'm really good at: Puzzles. Swimming. Cuddling. Shopping. Video Games. Gambling. Baking. Listening. Im really bad at spelling though. Just an FYI.

A fuckin scary looking moron. Jesus sweety get the fuckin sparrow out of your hair and go to a finishing school. Shit I'll pay for it - -

6. hazeleyes80 (25/F) - Oh hazel eyes 80. Any girl that says her best feature - or at least names herself after her best feature or what she assumes it is - and that feature happens to be the eyes, is just well fat and arrogant. The worst combo. You are fat. Not only are you fat but you think you're smart too. Tsk tsk on you - you are the kind of girl - just judging by your name that I would love to make cry in a huddled mass on the street.

Oh fancy ass - how I loathe you. And fancy for those of you who don't know is the new word for weighty or biggness. "She's got some fancy in there."

I like intelligent dialogue and debate, not discussing what the name of Britney Spear's baby should be. I'm opinionated, direct, and love witty banter. Can you keep up with me?? Look fatso. Just because you read Rimbaud in college does not make you an intellectual. In fact - to prove it - i'll throw out the joker card. Psst...come on lean in... YOU ARE ON THE FUCKIN INTERNET LOOKING TO ATTRACT MEN!

7. WindhamRider (19/F) - I don't know what this means but I'm guessing an active life style. Maybe she went to Windham or stayed in a Windham hall at some bullshit girls school. Who knows? She's 19, she's selling her pussy on Ebay and she needs to have her picture up here so I can make fun of her.
Ah hah!!

I'm 19, and a student at Goucher College in Baltimore MD, but originally from NY. I'm an obsessive snowboarder and an instructor during the winter at Windham Mountainin Windham, NY.

She's actually kinda cute in a New York kinda way. And by NY I obviously mean "Jew". That was a low blow but hey - it had to be said - Anyway let's look at her profile a little more here because thus far she seems rather solid - hold...

On a typical Friday night I am: hanging out with friends...if I'm home in NY it's at someone's house for a beer/smirnoff pon g tournament and if I'm at school it may be at the Inner Harbor or clubbing, or just a low key night in someone's room, or a show at the Recher... She said the magic words - "beer smirnoff pong" - yes ladies and gentlemen she felt the need to distinguish her beer pong playing equipment into two categories "trashy" and "girly trashy". Slut..

8. Ariesnanny (25/F) - Lord - Either a single mom or a fucking Nany born under the Aries sign. First off, sweet cheeks, the word 'nanny' is not a turn on and secondly - people who tac on their sign to their name are rather fucked up in my opinion. "Hi, I'm JVMM ...AND....A Leo...how bout that? Hmm? Yeah? You and me? vibin? What do you think? Oh yeah - me leo - you sagatarius? Hot booty!" You fuckin twit. I'm guessing she's fat as well -

Holy fuck she's not fat she's a fuckin zip code. She's a goddamn (insert your own fat person euphemism here). Lord almighty - -

I am currently working in a daycare setting finishing my degree in human services before schlepping (spelling) off to bible college somewhere to get my degree in biblical counseling! And she loves the lord. Don't all fat people love the lord? The fat, the poor, the racially opressed, and the ugly all seem to love the lord. One day those fine people will rise up and make sure that there is a Denny's or McDonald's on every corner in American. Wait...

9. meteorflower03 (21/F) - Girls with flower names. How fuckin lame is that? Well guys do it to with names like DynoMikey or CoolSteve78. Dudes use bad adjectives where as girls use delicate pieces of nature. What does this say about her physically - who knows - it could be anything. It does however say that she ain't no tigres in bed and one day she'll have one of those women's bathrooms in her house that smell of way too much potperie and has santa towels.

I'm 21 years old and I just moved to the area from the eastern shore of maryland. I'm looking to meet some cool people to hang out with. Yawn...figured. These are the type of women that have sitting rooms that no one sits in and collect fine dishware that they never use but keep in a cabinet that is always locked.

The phot isn't too bad. She has some nice ethnicity there and a smile but - eh - the dog - the pants - the 'don't cum on my face' t-shirt. I ain't vibin.

10. florakelly (26/F) - ^^^SEE ABOVE FOR FLOWER NAME^^^

**Remember I want feedback or something.

Future Pole Swinger Thinks She'll Be a Teacher

2005-06-15T11:01:00.000-04:00

Prerequisite:
I am a: 22 yr old woman

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: 20-30-year old man

*Online Name - ItalianStaliana

It's 20$ for a lap dance baby.

I said 20$ not two Pimlico racing tickets and a condom.

That's more like it. Cold cash makes me smile. Now remember only I can touch you. *whisper in the ear* But for an extra 20 I'll let you finger blast my pussy.

Practicing being groped in public.

6 months from now after the fall out from community college and the first boyfriend beating begins.

Personal Description:

I'm tiered of men saying that I'm such a big meanie and that my hoo hoo smells like bacon bits. I'm Italian, sometimes we just smell bad. I am also every girl you have ever seen in your entire life that goes home with any guy because he talked to me for more than 5 minutes. See this double chin taking form? See the short hair to better frame my neck rolls? It's only gonna get worse but that doesn't mean I can't swing from a pole after my dreams come crashing down like a load of cum on a porn stars eye lashes.

Now she may not look like a stripper but believe me she will be. See those deep dark Italian eyes? See that "no boy has ever opened a door for me" sadness deep down inside? Do you see those stupid fucking stripper ear rings?

S-T-R-I-P-P-E-R.

Here let's go shopping for your future career:

Pasties - every 3rd rate strip club has them but damned if they follow health code ordinances and actually use them.

7 inch neon spiked heels. Perfect as a stocking stuffer at Xmas.

School girl mini-dress. In a size 14 for you dear.

This is hotter in my opinion. Hmm - - it smells of - - - recess.

And of course my favorite thing about Strippers; the Vanilla package from Victoria Secret. Other ladies out there who have boyfriends - if you want to drive him wild - because well, we all know he's been in a strip club recently, buy this and cover yourself in it. He'll be getting flashbacks of tight hard asses, perky nipples, and girls who call him daddy while floundering on a stage showing their birth canal in no time. You'll have the best sex of your life.

Now there's nothing wrong with being a stripper as long as you steer clear of the nose candy and the sucking dick for dollars escapades that goes on in the champagne rooms. Unfortunately sweetie, you are but alas, a 3rd rate strip club employee.

As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, you may only be a waitress that gets to mop up the cum dropping in the corner of the booths at the end of the night and fetches 5 dollar Bud Lites for the crew of sad bastard Grand Pa's there blowing the Social Security checks.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"I LOVE to think that I can sing....which means, being the dork I am, I drag my friends out every Thursday night to go to my local karaoke bar so I can sing my heart out! "
Uh huh - STRIPPER! Sing it loud and clear.

"Still at the good old Essex Community College....gonna be a teacher SOMEDAY!"
Uh huh and where are we going to get that extra piece of pocket change my vajaja showing little friend. Sugar Daddy? - think not chub rock - Dancing naked for dollars at place called "Lefties Female Review" - you got it. Essex Community College - there are only three things that come out of ECC drug dealers, strippers, and cops.

Obvious Flaws: Poor little thing is going to have a VD and a kid before she's 25. I'm sorry baby.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
2

P Diddy's Stunt Double Has Trouble With 3rd Grade Grammar

2005-06-08T12:50:00.000-04:00

Prerequisite:
I am a: 29 yr old man

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: 20-30-year old woman

*Online Name - SoSlyForDaEye

*It's been 4 months since our first post and I have to say that I would like to thank you the fans out there for keeping us entertained to the point that we want to keep writing. But, heed this warning, today I found 4 people that I knew within this age demographic. I restrained myself from posting their pictures because I didn't want tears in my house. But, I tell you this my brethren of cyberspace, please for God's sake learn to spell and put together a sentence properly. Stop reeking of absolute bullshit when you describe yourself. And for God's sake, stop trying to find love on the Internet. God invented alcohol and cocaine for a reason. That reason was to get people fuckin'.

"Hey yo yo yo. Letme axe you a question. Yo, would you kill fo me?"
Ladies and gentlemen now presenting Puffy's stunt double - Wayne Morgan!

Yo this finger goes out to my main Warren.
*from stage right* Psst.. It's Wayne Wayne Wayne
Yeah, I mean Wayne. Peace Dwayne.

Black men: Making Latinos feel like the life of the party since 1971.

"Man you a big bitch Ving"
"The name is Michael Duncan."
"Shoot, whateva nigga just look at the camera and smile. This tux goes back in 2 hours."

During my cabbie days in NYC. This was the stunt double for the stunt double. Needless to say - he died on Faces of Death 17: Return of the Cobra.

Personal Description:

Holy shit that was long - I'm out of breath. Wait...let me .... get my breath. Apparently I the one to maybe take out the garbage. Or least do it half way. I take you dinner but maybe only if your ass don't smell like dog nards. One time I correctly made out a full sentence but forgot how to do. When you see my name in light I be the one that spelled wrong because i no longer understood how to spell Ophleiousiouus. Fonetic right?

Ok OK OK I'm stretching up there. Why did I choose this guy you ask? Well one - the fucker looks like puff daddy. Two, in his awesomeness he had the audacity to post a picture of himself with George Lopez. That is the equivalent of me posting a picture of myself and umm - Edith from All in the Family.

"Archie there's a square headed mouthy boy out here who wants to take his picture with me."
"Jeeeeesus Edith."

Anyway dude, you suck blah blah blah, same old shit, you suck you suck you suck. Hold on that writing looks like it belongs to you. Well I shall say then good sir. You are quite the sucking suck. Good day. I'm loopy.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"Well I just moved to Baltimore so, I don't really know the local hot spots. I love the harbor though, and I like eating a good steak from Ruth Chris or Shula's steak house. Power plant a few times, that was okay."

Yawn, I like when I go to NYC to see Central Park. I also like the staue of liberty. When I go to Paris I like the Eiffel Tower and Crepes. Listen, fuck nut, I know Baltimore is the epicenter of the screen writer's guild but come on man, with pictures of you plus Ving Rhames you figured you could at least get a table at Valeggias or something. Pull some strings big league.

I am screenwriter

I've work

Amd

Did the Junior Varsity Ving Rhames (Michael Clark Duncan) and Jim "my career is in the toilet" Carrey allow you to type out the script, or were you just really around because you were Puffy's stunt double on the Pepsi commercial and someone asked you for a Pastrami on Rye? Hmm...hmmmmmm?

"This is me at the super bowl. Puffy has a car mirror phobia - shhhh"

Last time I checked, one of the perquisites for screen writing is to be able to A) Spell and B) Grammatically compose a sentence without sounding like you were a Haitian woman pulling bananas out of your mouth. I mean who the fuck do you write for, the TV show "One on One"?

"Now D why did you quit the cheerleading team?"
"Because Daddy. You be chasin all the hoochie around."

Because that is a culturally important program in need of praise and likely to get you hooked up with George "Macho Camacho" Lopezszzs.

Obvious Flaws: I don't know umm he sucks. Suck rating 9. I can't picture on this Wed the 8th a suckier suck hole to come in contact with my suckness rater. So you win sucker.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
8

Sad Chad Wants to Kill Himself With You

2005-05-31T13:11:00.000-04:00

Prerequisite:

It's the long lost nephew of Dennis from Head of the Class fame.

Goofy, drug free, bland communist clothing. Ladies, what else can you ask for?

This is me with bad acne. Yummy.

Words can't explain my desire to crap down your neck.

Personal Description:

Hi, I'm Sad Chad and I also like the rain. I enjoy walking down to the "History of the Elderly" museum to cry over the life of the pigeons. I often find myself crying over episodes of Days of Our Lives wishing Brock and Brook would get back together and rekindle the flame that kept me going through all those years my mother made me scrub the skid marks out of her panties while I was chained to the couch.

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Come one and come all to witness first hand the guy that you have no intention of fucking or hanging around with. Jesus dude, I mean shit "I have low-self esteem". You might as well just say I had a diseased penis that fell off while I was fucking a 9 year old prostitute which may or may not have been my cousin. Even that might not be as big a turn off as "Oh gosh - I just don't have any faith in myself. Oh pooo..."

Somebody throw this fucker a rope with a nice noose in it. Seriously, you don't seem like too savvy an individual and there are only two things I deliberate over when someone asks me whether or not someone should die:
1. Will they ever be of any amusement to me?
Answer for you: "No, you won't because you seem like the kind of guy that likes the smell of fish and enjoys cleaning up trash from near by natural reserves. These two things thus equal you being of no entertainment value to me."
2. Will my taxes ever go to stabilizing your life?
Answer for you: "Yes, one day they will. I can only imagine your thrill a minute life working inside of Spencer’s at White Marsh mall. You cringe and run your fingers down your black Levi's every time someone tries on the hooter muffs".
Ladies can I maybe help you find a matching pair of shoes with that?

So given that I hope you die.

On to more enlightening things.

honost

First off, that was not a sentence. Second, please for fucks sake go back to third grade and learn how to spell – and take the rest of the JVMM fraternity with you (especially Ronald the Ultimate Male).

Thirdly, I want to get this straight once and for all. Drugs are not the problem with society. Drugs have nothing to do with "winners" and "losers". There are doctors that I know who blow lines of coke off of strippers thighs on Thursday afternoon before they have to stick a tongue depressor down little Billy's mouth. This doesn't mean he's a loser - you know what it means you sad fuck, it means you just don't know how to live. You are confused by thinking that drugs mean dependency on a failing way of life. I disagree and proclaim that drugs are in actuality the celebration of life. However you look at it - I hope you get fucked up the ass by a flying bowling ball. One day you will come the realization that your wasted effort to dodge enjojyment have landed you with a Mega Moo wife and 3 kids who spell worse than you. And you may have an even bigger problem when I show up at your house demanding my tax money back because I funded their education.
I told you once. I won't be telling you again. Stop fuckin up the gene pool and teach those little snot farmers how to spell "honest".

Descriptive Hilarities:

I have a favorite stuffed animal I call Ganga but you don't hear me sharing moronic shit like that do you? I mean honestly these are your favorite things:
1. Colors
2. Walks in the rain
3. The snowboarding thing... ok ok ok
4. Fucking Wal Mart and the mall????

Obvious Flaws:
Low Self Esteem, Acne, Sad - just a sad sad little boy.
Hilarity Rating (1-10):
0

Show Me Your FUPA You Crazy Nazi Cow!!!

2005-05-24T12:49:00.000-04:00

Prerequisite:
I am a: 42yr old woman

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: 35 to 50-year old woman

*Online Name - Minskore

This was taken 2 years after my divorce. The photographer kept saying "Give me more boob. MORE BOOB!" I gave him more boob alright and a tasty whiff of my slime bowl.

GROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL MOTHERFUCKER!

Notice the bone structure and eyes and ladies and gentlemen I think I have brought back the mad hatter of the famed Mini-series theatrical awfulness of Stephen King. I have found PENNYWISE from "IT".

"And your little dog too....."

Personal Description:

I love commas! I love commas! I love commas! I love commas! And of course Angela Landsbury. I mean who doesn’t own season 1-3 of Murder She Wrote on DVD and masturbate to the one episode when Tom Seleck was on and giving her a backrub. Oh the times I used to have with my 14 ince squash and baby oil. Oh but I digress. I also don't like men with any body hair or nose or eye brows. I enjoy a good clean environment.

Old women! I swear - always talking about how men have to "have it together" - well you know what you dumb old whore, if you had put down the cock from your mouth when you were 22 and stopped riding Jorge Lopez the dishwasher from your restaurant you might have snagged a man. If you could have ceased on the Bon Jovi tattoos and hashish smoking you too could have caught yourself a man that doesn't smell like booze and lottery tickets when he comes home to belch the alphabet. "All the good one's just seem to be gone" - she cries as she thinks about botox and her pilate class.

All women - not just old women - want a man who is "financially secure" or "baggage free".

Well bitch let me tell you what we want. We want you to shave your asshole when that shit gets hairy. We want you to stop bitching and to be able to take a punch to the throat when you talk during the 4th quarter. We want you to lie and tell us you saw God, fireworks, and David Koresh playing horseshoes when you orgasm. We also want you to learn how to clean and cook and shut the fuck up about starting "your career".

We want all these things but then you know what, we'll want you to change and have a career and a hairy hoo ha hole. One day we'll wish you had ordered pizza instead of cooking a steak. You know why? Because everyone is fucking insane you crazy Nazi cow. No one has it together. Everyone has baggage and let me tell you something - - psst - - no come on lean in --- by going cock hunting on the Internet YOU HAVE BAGGAGE TOO YOU SLOP CUP!

Where's my Knight in shining armor. Why doesn't my vagina smell clean anymore?

Descriptive Hilarities:

siping

First off you teach English at a University and you spelled "sipping" wrong. Second, I'm sure your students would love to see that shot of you straddling a pillow on your bed like you are waiting for Mandingo the 14 inch cock monster man, to come reorganize your lower intestine.

Favorite Hot Spots: Not into wild and crazy bars, don't mind an occassional Saturday night of dancing though at a nice nite club, but prefer small cozy coffee shops, where we can engage in good conversation, as opposed to loud noisey bars. You want to know why old people don't like bars as they get older. Because they can't cut the fucking mustard. A bar - is where sexually overt people go to fuck. Let's not beat around the bush - in one way or another we go to bars to build up our fuck points. Old people run out of fuck points when they start wearing FUPA cover jeans and shopping for 'Just for Men'.
+ = Awesome!

Obvious Flaws:
Old and old. Old people trying to get laid are sadder than a 1 legged puppy in a pound. You feel sorry for it but damned if you are going to take it home - and the sooner it's euthanized the more balance is brought back to the world.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
3

Senior Citizen Wants New Lease on Life - JVMM says "DENIED"

2005-05-10T13:20:00.000-04:00

Prerequisite:
I am a: 67 yr old man

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: 60 to 70-year old woman

*Online Name - Poppy Boobles

Ladies and gentlemen he's back from the other side of the fucking mirror and he's looking for some tushy! It's Kane from Poltergeist II.

This was the last time they let me out of the retirement home. The person taking this picture wouldn't take me home though. I told her I was house broken. *tears

Personal Description:

Shut up Junior! I'm trying to type over here. So let's see what else. I like pulses. Anything with a pulse is hot bacon for me. And if you don't have a shit bag attached to your hip I guess I'm all for a roll in the ben gay and craftmatic.

+ . = HOT FUN!

Old people. I swear nothing screams pointless to me more than the care taking of the elderly. If you no longer are productive in society then I don't mind seeing a trans-Atlantic swim event for all those over 70. The worst is old people trying to convince me they still have their chops by saying "I'm gregarious & a bit of an iconoclast." hmm and I'm a bit of an antagonistic reactionary you old fuck!

Seriously, put the elderly to work. Make them read to illiterate kids. Let them turn a giant turbine somewhere in a cave being lead around by a man in a leather mask constantly cracking a whip.

Old people make me nauseous. And I know what you're saying, not my Grammy Foo Foo she's great. Look, in all seriousness, she isnt, and as long as your family keeps her in the house and off of social services and out from behind a goddamn steering wheel I have no problem with her living - but you get one of these single old fuckers and I just want to grab some rocks stuff them in their pockets - tell them there's a buffet "over there" and as they turn and become more disoriented I push them into the water and happily whistle the theme from the Sound of Music as I walk away. I walk away listening to muffled sounds of "My pills...my pil...s"

Old Poppy Booble here is alone. His family no longer wants anything to do with him. He was impotent for so long he never procreated. His wife of 40 years found a tanning boy named Paco off the island of St Bart and took half his shit and moved down there to have her varicose veins rubbed every day. Poor Poppy Boobles wants someone to take strolls with him and not cringe at his racial slurs or remarks of "Back in the day do you remember when milk cost 4 chicken eggs and handful of wheat?"

I mean how close are you to suicide if you are a 68 year old man on a dating service? Just do it already pops. It won't take much. Just watch some midget porn and I'm sure you won't make it threw without at least a stroke.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"I'm a movie buff. Favorite actor Russell Crowe actress, Kim Basinger I play chess, do some hiking with the MD. Mt. Club & The Sierra Club, & do a bit of volunteering at The Baltimore Humane Society. I enjoy attending The Meyerhoff."
I can't wait to be retarded when I grow old. I can't wait to walk around and vouch for the awesomeness that was Motley Crue and Celine Dione the same way Poppy Booble vouched for --- wait for it ---- Russell Crowe and Kim Basinger. Man - - she was awesome in 8 mile - a real - whore.

"I just finished DaVinci Code."A lucky Man" by Michael J. Fox was enjoyable"
A lover of fine literature as well. Bravo!

Obvious Flaws:
Let me pack this man's parachute. Let me pack it and push Poppy Boobles out of the plane.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
2

JVMM Poster Girl for Little Miss Pointless

2005-05-02T14:49:00.000-04:00

Prerequisite:

*We here at the JVMM have a soft spot in our hearts for the forgotten masses of people. You know who they are. They are the people you see out at random bars who say "Hey Buddy" from the other side and you give a gentle wave back, look to the person next to you, and say "Who the fuck is that?" Well these people are the pointless. As much as we would like to forget them, we need to remember that they too inhabit the earth. About 97% of it. Enjoy!

I am a: 26 yr old woman

located in: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

looking for: 24 to 28-year old man

College Moment #13409 - This was the night with the Santa hat. Oh I soooooooo remember it. We drank Jagermeister out of red cups and then someone fucked me with a frozen pretzel from Aunti Anne's online.

College Moment #4871 - This was the night I dressed up like Britney Spears for Halloween. Everyone says I look like her. I should say looked - that bitch has really let herself go. But anyway - this was when I got so trashed I ended up sucking four guys off at once like a baby seal trying to balance a ball on his nose.

Personal Description:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah - these are lips moving but what comes out of them is everything you have ever known about every college slam pig you have ever nailed. I like beaches and thunderstorms. I like Scooby Doo underroos and getting cum on my tits. But not on my face - icky poo!

Lord - someone shoot these people. What we need to do is round them all up their senior year in college. Or for some their 7th year of really getting a handle on the "Education" degree. We should have a meeting in the gym - on one side is the door back out to the world and on the other side is a door leading to "The Gas Chamber" -

Here is our list:
1) Do you more than once a week feel compelled to yell "Woo" at the top of your lungs while holding a beverage and thrusting a hand in the air as if you were at a rock concert?

2) Do you think that a Jetta is a cute car? Extra points if you buy a black one.
3) Do you find yourself determining your evening of boozing based on who has the best drink specials?
4) Do you use any of the following vocabulary more than twice a day?
      a) Fab
      b) Get out!
      c) Oh My God
      d) Like - as in "Like he was just like looking at me and I was like whoa"
      e) I "heart" -anything-
5) Do you call your daddy up and cry because you spent all your money on birth control, upscale eyeliner, and thong underwear?

If you answered yes to any combination of these questions than I am afraid we are going to have to gas you. Or you can choose to be eaten by dogs. The eaten by dogs part will be turned into a DVD entitled "Daddy's waste of cells gets eaten by Rottweilers". We know its not the catchiest of titles but we think it will do well in 3rd world Thailand. Plus all the proceeds will go to the slam pig house, I mean sorority of your choice.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"My hot spots are Federal and Power Plant Live. I love to dance with girls and throw back some drinks. I really like Mad River and Have a Nice Day" Of course you do! OF COURSE YOU DO! Now listen! You are 26. That ass isn't rocking anybody anymore Mrs. Robinson. You are in a weird place right now if you are a 26 year old woman standing in line at Have a Nice day with fresh 19 year old girls with your ID in your hand. Look around you baby! Look around you and realize that Tony the backup catcher for the Towson baseball team isn't their to pound your pussy anymore. Wake up! Get out! Take in a life!

*We would like to thank LittleCutiePie981 for her playing along today. As a door prize we would like to hook you up with an earlier "pointless poster child". Meet him and love him -

Obvious Flaws:
Propensity for taking very bad pictures. Poor posture. Little Ms. Forgettable. Has def. cried while another girl has held her hair saying, "He's such an asshole" more than twice.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
3

Hi! I'm Mitch Moron and I'm Going to Lie to You

2005-04-27T15:51:00.000-04:00

Prerequisite:
I am a: 44 yr old man

Located in: Baltimore, MD

I'm Mitch Moron and I am running for President of the town of Shantyfucks

We here at the JVMM want to rip your vocal chords out and dangle them in front of your face as you limply cradle to the ground to watch your blood pour out onto your duplex floor. We want this because YOU SIR are posing with a coffee mug.

"Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Come lick my yellow teeth and hang from the flabby skin of my old man forearms. This is my cabana wear - who out there is leakin' for a freakin' from my old corny ass? Show me your ham slot!"

Personal Description:

I lose train of thought easily. BUGS BUNNY!. Sometimes I drive to work in this suit I got from Target and forget where I am driving. No one thinks I am foreign because of these glamour photos I took. We fooled them. POOP SHOOT!

I don't know what that was up there as far as his ideal date. But, I know exactly what it fucking wasn't, comprehendible. Now, my man, buddy, schnookie, bubbums, we here in big USA have way of getting laid - you say no Whompan Lone Ranger - and you are no follow rules.

Some of these profiles can't be for real after a while. I think syphilis is more widespread in the gene pool than we had originally attested to back in the 1989 "So you have the drip" survey. Either that or people have started fucking chimps and strawberries to make this super humanoid.

My favorite line from his description is "Not looking to party." That right there tells me that at least once in this man's life, a woman, or transsexual midget, stuffed anal nitrate into his keester and made him blow mud on the wall for a motion picture entitled "Return of the Brown Star: 7". Anyway - ladies - don't be surprised if he comes prepared with anal lube and a floor standing vibrating dildo saddle. I know I would.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"Sports and Exercise: Cycling, Baseball, Basketball, Football, Soccer " Seriously- pops - you ain't chuckin the old pig skin around any time soon. Go back inside snort another line of Cialis, chug a bottle of pepto and pretend like you were once an athlete so as not to embarrass your already humiliated son.

"Height: 5’ 10” (177.8 cms) to 5’ 11” (180.3 cms) " Now that is fucking specific!

Look dude, we here are extremely copasetic to lying in order to get laid. We understand that sometimes you need to borrow your buddies Ferrari to get some muff. But I ain't buying, selling, sniffing, or shoveling this shit that you are trying to dish. We want you to learn English before convincing us here that you A) hold a job worthy of handling other people's initiatives (aside from fast food orders) - B) There is no fucking B - you are a fuck!

Obvious Flaws:
This man's penis looks like a hot dog after it has already passed through a dog's lower intestine. I have no clue how he managed to tie that tie. Random thought pattern is early sign of Alzheimer’s

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
8

Money Cash Ho's in the Mix for Dicks

2005-04-14T14:12:00.000-04:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 18 to 22 in the greater Baltimore area.

This was during my high self-esteem phase. All I took were pictures of my ass bent over a mock spray painted car in a back alley somewhere by some guy named Captain Booby.

This is me and one of my other fine bitches that likes to pose in front of bed sheet art. This one we chose because we want people to know that we role with glasses of wine and half drawn bottles of Courvoisier
. Can people really think that this looks awesome? I would rather have a mantle shot of my friends and I in front of a fucking chic-filet just outside of Charlotte, wearing skin tight jean shorts, sporting mullets, packing a tin of Skoal and smelling each others asses like dogs, than this shit.

Black Women: Making other women look like an inferior race of nuns since 1983.

Personal Description:

I am attempting to avoid my usual use of slang in this post becuase bitches, whoops I mean women, be tripping over my man. Damn did I blow that? I think I did.

I don't know what it is about black women that sends me running for the exits as soon as possible but her descriptions below can fill you in. There's just something about the penis size thing, something about the dominant jungle kill 'em and beat up thing, something about watching too many episodes of cops with shots of men in barker loungers with a black eye while a very angry black woman weighing in at over 230 pounds is weilding a frying pan, menthol cigarette, and a baby all at once. Yeah - that's usually what does it for me.

Descriptive Hilarities:

Have kids: 3I mean 22 with 3 children and on an online dating service doesn't make me want to pursue you baby. As a matter of fact it doesn't make me want to use a urinal anywhere within the same block as you in fear that one of my sperm may somehow jump out of the toilet and impregnate you. In the words of Chris Rock, "Stop fuckin!"

Perfect Date: Boot scootin' across gritty floorboards, the band playing what we'll soon remember as "our song" Somehow - I don't think I can picture you bootscootin across the floor in the city of Baltimore. I can't picture that, the same way I can't picture myself grinding or "jamming" (make the finger quotes with me) at Strawberries 5000 on Pulaski Highway.

Either you work for the cheapest company in the world to be an Executive paid under 25 grand or you manage the hair weave counter at Lexington Market for a nice Korean couple who are currently vacationing in St. Barts.

Obvious Flaws:
Life. 3 kids at 22 is enough to send me running for the boozer and a needle. A strange desire to be photographed in front of spray painted bed sheets.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
6

Words of Advice (for the fellas) From Your Friends at JVMM

2005-04-13T10:25:00.000-04:00

- Don't write in all capital letters. What is this, 1994? Look at the other profiles; are any of them in all caps, YOU CLUELESS MORON?

- If there's a place to list your favorite restaurant, here are a few you don't want to include if you're trying to impress the ladies: Sizzler, Country Buffet, McDonald's, "my mom's kitchen", or any all-you-can-eat joint.

- Stop capitalizing the word "Lady" unless you're actually searching for a member of the aristocracy. Otherwise, it makes you look Creepy.

- If you're really unattractive (and come on, you know if you are, don't you?), don't post a picture so close-up that I can count the hairs in your nose. In fact, even if you're hot, back away from the camera a little. The goal isn't to look as if you're peering through the viewfinder on my security door.

- Let us be honest: if you declare that you're looking for a young, attractive woman, 20+ years your junior, we will immediately look at your profession and income. If neither is impressive, we will laugh at you, loudly, even if no one is around to hear me.

- If using a dating system where you can choose physical, educational, and lifestyle preferences about your match, and you don't make any choices at all, are you saying you're really desperate or really lazy? At least whittle down the height preference; you're probably not going to exclude many women if you set your maximum at 7' instead of 8'11".

- If your composition skills are limited to text such as, "I am very well dress mand and Iike dance and shop I LIKE LONG WALK AND TALK i AM A VERY STAIGHT OUTGOING PERSON i WOULD LIKE A WOMAN WHO NOT AFRAID TO BE HER REALL SELF MEANING IF YOU LIKE GI FOR IT BECAUSE i WILL," then online is probably not the best venue for you to find dating success.

- You might have been trying to include the words "OK, I'll bite" in your handle, but it looks like "O kill bite." You might wanna change that, psycho.

Super Bio Astronaut Man Wants Diseased Kids with You

2005-04-05T12:09:00.000-04:00

Prerequisite:
I am a woman seeking a man aged 35 to 45 in the greater Baltimore area.

"Marvelous Marvel the Magical Man"

It's been almost 6 months since my son was born. I think its time to date.

Where the fuck is he, in the fortress of solitude? Nothing says "hot" like premature babies, ceiling mirrors, and a diaper covering said premature baby, while you watch reruns of Simon and Simon.

How may ladies are just wet looking at this photo? Oh man this gets me HOT! And somebody tell him that it's ok to wear a shirt in the hospital for Pete's sake.

Sickly "feel sorry for me" or "I'm a man that can take care of his keeeeds" photo.

Round 5 of shirtless father with tubed baby.

Personal Description:

I ALSO CAN'T FIND THE CAPS BUTTON! OH WAIT! THERE IT is. Whew... now I can really show you what Marvelous Marvel the Magical entertainer is all about. So babies - all my babies - except for my premie diseased baby that is. My babies - my lovely ladies - come hang out with Marvel - we can groove it til the needle breaks off baby..

Peronsally, if you want to pose with your new born baby - that's cool with me. But I don't know too many ladies out there that are going to be clamoring for a chance to jump the bones of a man that not only JUST had a child but also had a child that is obviously shall we say, "Light in the hips." I mean Jesus man. Can't you go without online poontang 'til that sickly child is at least 1. I mean then you can at least do tricks with her or something.

Also, dude, seriously, the CAPS thing. Were you afraid that you may just start doing ThIS aLl OveR thE SCrEEn? Anyway - "MY QUEEN SHOULD NOT BE AFRAID TO LET A MAN KNOW IF SHE'S INTERESTED IN HIM." First off you are taking a photo of you and your new born. I'm going to assume in order to knock this woman you probably used that bullshit "queen" line before. And we all see where that has gotten you: online, bare chested, with a sub-weighted baby, talking about looking for your next piece of HooHoo pie. Look, Marvelous Magical Marvel I understand your addiction to sing Poppa Was a Rolling Stone 7 times a day and walk around with your cockzilla germanating the planet with rodent babies, but my man, keep it offline and out of the sights of the JVMM.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"I WENT TO SCHOOL IN NORTH CAROLINA AT GOLDSBORO HIGH SCHOOL.I GOT MY G.E.D. FROM LENOIR COMMUNITY CLOOEGE.I HAVE A MASTER'S IN QUAMTUM PHYSICS,A MASTERS IN GENETIC ENGINEERING,A ELECTRONICS DEGREE,AN ART DEGREE,AND A NURSE'S LISCENS"
I swear people, I didn't even see this before I started writing anything else. This changes everything. I had no idea you were on par with some of our great minds. You and Noam Chomsky, maybe Hawking, and Gunter can all get together and play a game of Scrabble. First off, you would have to be about 107 to receive all those degrees "Marvelous" And second off - I believe a prerequisite for most of our Quantum Physics Nurses is to at least be able to master the spelling of the word "College". But, you know, that's just us.

"Favorite hot spots: harbor,home,park,would love to see the ocean one day for the first time and watch the sunrise and sunset "
It amazes us that a Genetic Nuclear Electronic Artist Nurse would not have the monetary means to have had the justification or leisurely income to possibly procure a trip to what would be 70 percent of the world at some point. I mean, with all your trips abroad to discuss the latest in Nuclear Art, or Genetic Electronics, or even G.E.D. Nursing "CLOOEGE" you would have had the time or the discovery propelled inclination to possibly peruse the ocean. But, I guess not.

Obvious Flaws:
Possibly retarded, Bad genes, Bad hair, strange appeal to all white tuxedos, I have no idea where people like this grew up or how they exist.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
9

Gold Digging Whore Needs Dumb Bastard to Fall For Her

2005-03-28T14:25:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 30 to 35 in the greater Baltimore area.

This only took me 5 hours, 3 surgeries, 2 years on a stair master and it will only cost you half a million dollars.

This was that night that I got sick from the semen / JB shooter that we were having at "Balls on the Walls" in Cozumel. I miss those days. I was so tan...

This was "attempt to suck my way into financial freedom" attempt #243. He said his name was Marco and he was from the South of France. I later found out it was Dave and he was from Trenton. I dumped him like a hot can of rotten beans.

Blah blah blah...watch my mouth move up and down just like this. Watch it have nothing to do with what I want. So here, this is what I want. I want money. What girl doesn't? Why? Because I think I'm hot and educated. I think my foreign pussy can get top dollar in this market. I think you are more than likely dumb, balding and desperate to stick it some place warm.

Well dearest I'm here to tell you that your pussy isn't enough to buy you a life. I don't care how many pictures you take in a bikini with some smoke in Mexico while holding booze, you aren't, nor are you even close to, being worth what you ask. Why, because you ask. Girls who ask or demand things like this end up bitter, fat, and drinking Merlot by themselves while sucking down Misty 100's in some island resort called Fat Pete's. Get over yourself cunt.

There is so much hilarity in these short description pieces that we will just skip any further bashing in this section. But I hope one day you run into a guy who gives you ass herpes.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"Favorite hot spots: I love Italy! My new favorite island is in the BVI's- Necker Island!" i.e. This is the only island that I have been to. Who the fuck talks like this? It is the same as someone asking us "Hey, JVMM what's your favorite beer?" - "Well we heard that the Warsteiner 67' from the Northern Shwarzwald in Germany is pretty good." Somebody clue this bitch in that she is on an Internet Dating service.

For fun: For fun I like to stay active... I go to the gym at least 3 times a week, I play tennis, a little golf, I love boating... being on the water... my new thing is scuba diving...My favorite thing to do is TRAVEL "I like anything aristocratic and that I know nothing about but totally want to impress my hump hump suck suck friends with. Plus, I love the cute little golf skirts/tennis skirts. And I'll be sure to have some other man balls deep in me by the time you get back from the juice bar. Hey...he said he would give me a Bulgari watch. What's a girl to do?"

You have to be fucking kidding me? I mean you have to be serving me a cashmere sweater on a silver platter covered in diseased tiger semen. That's what this description makes me feel like. Ladies - this is why guys hate you sometimes. You put on all these fake clothes, fake faces, and ask very poignant question that lead directly to your own well being. If I wanted to go shopping for steak I would go to the fucking super market. If I wanted to shop for women - I would come see you and watch you suck dick for a grand. Hooker...Like it or not the idea of finding a man without having to categorize him to support your made up bullshit lifestyle might give you a little happiness. But no - your tombstone will read "Here lies Hump Hump the best gold digging hooker the Internet has ever seen."

Obvious Flaws:
You are a gold digging whore. Sucked enough cock to be able to show Lil' Kim some moves. People like you are what make men weary and leery of women who like nice things.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
4

Jack Daniels in the Back of a Camaro

2005-03-22T19:02:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a woman seeking a man aged 35 to 40 in the greater Baltimore area.

There are certain things in life that scream awesome. And this picture says them all: Poor posture, death metal shirt, and remote control monster trucks. Combine those three and add a dash of psycho live at home with Mommy, and you have "Reginald the Ultimate Male".

I once ripped a bitch's head off with a pair of pliers.

Cue "Reginald the Ultimate Male" up top and combine these 1993 pants and then you truly have the ultimate combination in what awesome really is.

Personal Description:

careing

listing

diffrent

modelcars

raideo

intrest

careing

intrest

careing

I'm 40. I can't spell. I mean I rilly cant spell at awl. Their are some thing in lief that sekond grahd cant help u with. I wonc pooped in my hand and eaight it. I also, one time at the mall, fucked a "Cat in the Hat" mascot in corn shoot.

Ok let's get past the obvious. Literacy doesn't run real high in his evolutional progression. Oh wait, that wasn't the obvious. The obvious is that you are a creepy fucking grown man sitting in front of a monster truck toy looking like the rejected bassist from a band called "Blood Teeth".

There's scary and there is this man. Let's track his life:

1. At an early age he was beaten with a hot spatula because his grandmother found him masturbating to pictures of low riding trucks.
2. His Senior prom was spent taking a dump on top of the gymnasium while his friends played "Master of Puppets" in unison from their line of Camaros.
3. He worked at a machine shop making chains until the one fatal day that the voices came alive and they found a "Cat in the Hat" mascot laying dead in a parking lot outside of a Macy's.
4. When out of jail he returned to work with his hands and started his own business, "Tiny Trucks of Terror". He does OK with it but gets really lonely in between crooning death metal concerts for chicks and hanging out in Holiday in lobbys looking for kids to sell his remote control creation to.

Obvious Flaws:
No secondary education. A propensity for death metal. Yoda-like posture. A strange desire to be called "Reginald the Ultimate Male".

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
10

Mrs. Ed Wants You To Help Her Raise a Foal

2005-03-16T19:57:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 23 to 26 in the greater Baltimore area.

Here he is - the gut check for you. It says HOT!

So Kitties + Kid = double super awesome hot. Run motherfucker RUN!

Old Navy + Cheesy Tourist thing + My face = SPRINT MOTHER FUCKER! HOPE A HEDGE AND DODGE TRAFFIC! GET A PASSPORT! MAKE IT TO MEXICO!

I'm a looker. I'm an absolute looker.

Personal Description:

And if you could pick up some pampers and possibly some rubber nipples on your way over that would super. Oh and don't forget my horse bit for these fucking chompers. How did someone ever sleep with me in order to pop this kid out? Well we still have tests out to my usual tricks but for the most part it's because I tricked them - just like I will you...just like I will you.

Ok - I know young people with children I do. But, you dear are on my dating website and those other women aren't and therefore you deserve to get your ass tanned.

First things first, and let's just get this right out of the way. No man younger than 35 will every take you out. No man that isn’t severely disfigured by a size 54 waste or only having one arm will ever bed down with you knowing that you have to get up and burp a shit factory in less than an hour. No self-respecting man is going to come home to an innocent pair of eyes to pier back into his when all he wants to do is rummage through your panty drawer and pray on his knees that you give good head. No man, no matter how desperate, is going to answer an online add with picture of you posing with your bastard bundle of joy.

Second - now that we got that out of the way - See a fucking orthodontist. It's never too late to trim down those chompers. I mean shit you can just come to my house and ill take a huge nail file, a drill, and some pliers and I'll help you. I mean shit, I couldn't do additional damage.

Overall I feel bad for picking on a single mom, because well, single moms need dick just like every one else. But, as stated above you decided to plaster you Mr.Ed all over a dating website and hence the JVMM had to swoop in and kick you in your now oversized vaginal opening.

Descriptive Hilarities:

Oh no - someone is trying to pick up the pieces of shattered life and put it back together. A single mom attending school, with a baby in tow are the kind of people I wanted to kick down the stairs at my college. Lady! LADY! College is irrelevant and is reserved for aristocracy and good times. Your BA in English or RN is never going to happen. You have a better chance snatching a sugar daddy.

Obvious Flaws:
She has a fucking child. She has a fucking horse for a head. Somebody let me pack her parachute one time.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
1

NEWS FLASH! Asians Never Get Laid!

2005-03-08T20:18:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a woman seeking a man aged 18 to 22 in the greater Baltimore area.

Next week on 60 Minutes - "'Almost Looking Cute' an Asian Man's Only Shot" or "Frosted Tips and the Asian Mystique"

Dude! Your house is dirty as shit. What girl wants to fuck a on a pile of trash?

Sexual fucking tiger! Jesus man do a push up or something.

Personal Description:

I also no like smoke and turtles. One time turtle bite me and ouchy. I loveparty with sexy white woman. I love boobs that can't sully fit into pitcher of beer.

First off...all girls get fat. It's the way life is. Just find someone who will do your dirty underwear and make you a sandwich and shut the fuck up.

Look dude. Every Asian friend I have wants to get with a white girl. And the weird part is that I want to go the opposite way and just smoke Asian ass. But to be honest how many Asian dudes do you see out there getting white ass. It doesn't happen. Why? Why? Well...I hate to be the one to so bluntly say this...but man...the myth is true. And if it isn't true then it's assumed that you have small penises and that most women don't find you attractive. There's just no sexuality dripping off of an Asian man. I don't care how big the wing on you Acura Rx is or how cool you think your Boxter Porshe or Armani leather coat is - the fact of the matter is that the male Asian race is considered the least sexually attractive by American women. There has to be a report on that one. Has to be....

I mean our research here is not based solely on myth. I have been to Korean bath houses...there was no hang. I'm not saying we here at the JVMM are endowed. I have had a couple snickers and rolled eyes in my time...but at least I don't have a myth hanging over my head like a dark cloud. Oh and learn English mother fucker.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"faith: Atheist "
Bold and commendable choice but to be honest...pretty fucking scary. White chicks love the lord...at least they like to think they do.

Obvious Flaws:
No English. Assumed mushroom cock. More than likely...actual mushroom cock. Obviously going to own a dry cleaners or liquor store one day.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
6

I Can't Believe I'm not a Lesbian

2005-03-08T19:20:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 18 to 22 in the greater Baltimore area.

My lack of a male role model allowed me to dress and look like this and assume that I would still get laid.

I'm so misunderstood. Has anyone seen my book of poetry and large coffee?

Personal Description:

I also hope you don't mind leg hair or wearing a leather mask that has the words "My Bitch" written across the forehead. In highshool I was definitely the girl that smoked camel Reds and drove a beat up Honda that I called "pumpkin".

Just the fact that she used the words "Man Hater" makes me realize that those words have entered her psyche and she has been labeled such at some point. Just those words alone make me run and hide my head in the dark hell that probably is her bed.

10 Things I absolutely know about this girl:
1. She has a copy of Salmon Rushdie's "The Satanic Verse" on a night table next to her bed surrounded by 4 black candles that get lit every night.
2. She has a cat named "Mr. Puddles" that she tell all her secrets to.
3. She owns no less than 4 12 inch Dildos and one is named "The Crusher"
4. All her past boyfriends own at least 3 black hooded sweatshirts and adorn them with tight black pants and Doc Martens.
5. She uses words like "angry", "awful", "terror", and "sigh" at least 10 times a day.
6. She went to an art school and thought she was smarter than everyone else. Her current poverty is alerting her to the contrary.
7. She considers her "Iron Maiden" shirt her sleep shirt.
8. She has no pairs of panties that anyone would consider sexy.
9. Her online gaming name is "DarkVaginator"
10. She has no problem peeing in alley's and blowing her nose in her shirt sleeve.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"favorite things: Kicking babies! Death metal music such as Opeth and other metal such as Yngwie Malmsteen and Blind Guardian. Industrial music: Skinny Puppy, Frontline Assembly, Project Pitchfork "
I know we are trying to be cute here with the kicking babies remark. But even that attempt at cuteness was followed by an echoed "uhhh" in my hotel room as I write this.

"I go to concerts if they interest me, and I go to LAN parties in the area."
Yep Lan Parties. Nothing says awesomeness like eating Twinkies with fat guys named Aaron and Toots while you argue who gets to be the Terran clan in Starcraft. Oh boy do you have stretch marks.

Obvious Flaws:
Hairy Vagina. Hairy everything. Death metal = ass fucking...but not for her - for you boys - only for you. Hair that smells like Camel Lights and a room that smells like Sri Sai Flora is not a good combination any more.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
5

Be Right Back...Again

2005-02-19T16:00:00.000-05:00

For those who keep checking back and reading, I apologize for the lack of updates. It's been a hectic couple of weeks and the staff has been worked in our bullshit day jobs to the core of our being.

An update will come forth on Monday evening. If there is anyone in particular you would like to see handed their face in a napkin - please feel to leave a comment.

Thanks

JVMM Poster Boy for Pointless

2005-02-17T19:37:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 18 to 22 in the greater Baltimore area.

Holy shit! This can't be for real.

"Ladies your wildest dreams have come true. I got this suit free with a set of tires that I got from Sears."

"Notice my date has a dress. I wore my best Express t-shirt and pleated pants."

"This is my fine apartment adorned with all my art and matching barker lounger with TV dinner tray table. You can't see my plasma TV but it's there baby. And if you didn't notice, this is my cool pose. "

Personal Description:

I also love baseball, football, and art museums, and hip hop, and any other mainstream mindless thing that I don't really show an interest in because I'm not good at them and never have been. I am the forgettable male. I am the safest most bullshit bet you will ever make. Are you a standard bullshit girl? I know there are lots of you out there so hit my unathletic, once pimply, bad hair cut, pleated pant wearing ass up. Thanks

Do they have a brochure that I missed at Towson University? Were they handing out "How to sound like every other douche bag on Earth?" My volume of standard pussy is high but my real enjoyment comes from making you think that I'm not like everything you knew you would hate when you get older. I am the classic over achieving happy about life college exaggeration guy. I am every real human being's fucking nightmare.

If I ever find you, anywhere in the tri-state area, I'm going to grab you by your 1997 Caesar cut and take you outside and make you call me Mr. Big Bird while I pee on your kneeling beaten carcass. Guys like you make me say one of the following 200 times a night when I go out "You gotta be shittin me.", "You boys wanna kick the fuck out of someone?", "People like this make me glad I don't openly carry a fucking firearm."

There are certain points in a man's like when he starts to lose touch with fashion, his kids beat him at Jeopardy or he can't do their homework, and when he looks back and sees YOU IN THE FUCKING MIRROR, that's when he wants to jump out a window and land on a broken ceiling fan covered in steel wool with bloody amputated baby's arms decorating the lawn. YOU SACK OF FUCKING SHIT! You are my nightmare.

Ahhh --- ok --- I got all that out. I feel better now because I have wanted to say that to you and your 500 clones that walk around my life everyday. Have a nice day Mr. Everyguy I Have Ever Known. Have a nice fucking day!

Descriptive Hilarities:

"The last thing I read was "the prince" by niccolo machiavelli, because sometimes I like to embrace the ruthless side of business "the ends justify the means."" I'm willing to bet my entire life. Not money but my life that you have not ever read one word of that book. We also capitalize titles of books in the neighborhood fucker.

Job:"I am a branch manager for suntrust bank, and yes I love my job.."Teller or Junior Loan Officer does not equate to Manager of a bank at 21 without a college degree. You my friend need to die.

Obvious Flaws:
FUCKER! People like me will one day hurt you and steal your shoes. The original barbie doll average Ken. Fucker!

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
1 *anger rating - 47

Closet Gay Looks to be Scared Straight

2005-02-15T21:59:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a man aged 21 to 25 in the greater Baltimore area.

Camera shot 1.
"Mikey"
"Yeah Mom?"
"What is this magazine?"

Camera shot 2:
"Oh sugar bears. Nothing mom."
"Why does it have naked men it?"
"That must be Dad's. I love the women - and looking hard in this here hat."

Camera shot 3:
"I had to hide my old Super Man videos. Let's see how I look with the hat off and slightly flexing."

Personal Description:

You also have to tell my Mommy that you are my roommate and that our matching towels were something we found on sale. Any use of the words "fabulous","oh my God", or "totally" I will clench up my ass and rip your dick off. And don't be alarmed if after coitus I turn to you and say things like, "I'm not gay you fag!" "

Ok so your most important quality to find in a man is "honesty", yet your profile eludes to this:

I'm straight acting and am not into fems/freaks. Not into the steriotypical gay lifestyle. Just believe in being yourself and not being obvious/loud about your sexuallity.You sound like a chicken shit that has to take pictures of himself in the bathroom and hides his copies of "stud"

Embrace your faggotry like the man that you hope to nail. Take hold of it like a pulsating cock that you shamefully hide the fact that you crave. Don't beat around the bush like the sissy that you are. Come out and have sex with another man in the pooper in front of your Mom and Dad during Thanksgiving dinner. Don't hide in the bathroom taking picture or your skinny ass and telling your future boy toy that you want him to be secretive about his love for you.

And I have to say that it took me a while to find a profile to make fun of. Most other gay men used eloquent language and damn if they weren't hot as shit. But you, you young, faking, fucking Back Street Boy wanna be, are neither well written or hot.

I love my J.O.B and don't need no one to take care of me. No beating around the bush is preferd. Your poor spelling and lack of a backdrop with your photos gives me the impression that the gay community would kick you in the nuts and throw your skinny ass out the door faster than you can say "I don't swallow".

Descriptive Hilarities:

"Favorite Hot Spots: Any swank bar where only the beautiful people hang out :) I love sitting in a coffee shop and reading a magazine, sitting in a park and people watching, any sort of high end retail space, and the beach...if I can escape to one.
Because your picture says this to me, "I deserve to be with the beautiful people. My chicken collar bone and ability to wear a hat backwards with the best of gay super models puts me into the upper echelon of this town's most beautiful people."

Obvious Flaws:
If you are gonna be gay - then fucking be gay - don't be confusing gay. You use an alias when you are gay like Jeff or Hank, you don't have the common courtesy to give a man a decent reach around.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
8

Juliet Seeks Romeo for Bible Reading and Cheetos

2005-02-15T19:28:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 21 to 25 in the greater Baltimore area.

Personal Description:

Gosh. When I was a little girl i used to read 17 until my Momma beat me with her comb handle saying that good girls don't get their periods. I was locked in a closet and only allowed to eat Frito Lay products and goat milk for 6 years.

You poor little girl. Wait - no - you poor big girl. You poor - oddly posed shut in.
Dear Homely Virgin,

Why do I think you are perfect for my virgin Romeo below? Well, short and sweet of it is, that he is the biggest loser I have seen on here and you are a close second. If you didn't weight 230 pounds you would be able to keep up. But coming around turn 4 you had to stop for cheesecake and a slurpee.

I was going to let you slide because you had a religious element in your description but the fact that you are on here makes you a harlot adulterer. YOU HEAR ME CHUB CAKES?!? I'll make you wear a red A on your chest and a chastity belt for life. So now that you feel more like your mother is talking to you, let me give you some advice about men.

There is no advice I can give to help, but I always like to educate the blind on what a rainbow looks like; if for nothing more than a damn good laugh.

1. The nicer the stuff then the more fake and full of shit the guy. BMW = Daddy is rich and I have a small penis. Rolex = I like to fuck on the first date and I'm good at it. Visible Versace /Armani tags = No college degree and weird job in real estate or drugs.

2. The more they talk. The more they cry. If you get a talker you are going to get a man with baggage. He's just feeling you out for how much "I miss my Mommy" speeches he can give you at a later time.

3. If he belches, farts, unbuttons his pants for digestion, then imagine what he will be like in a year. It only gets worse dear. Comfortable men that have awful habits will become restless men blowing your new 500 dollar handbag at the strip club within a year. And when he comes home he'll bitch about how fat you are getting.

Descriptive Hilarities:

Ethnicity: I was born in norfork va i moved around when i was youger
She's a bright one. I know when I fill in my standardized tests it's always embarrassing when I have to raise my hand and say, "Excuse me. For my ethnicity..umm..where is Baltimore on here?"

"Job: Retail / Food services : I work at macy's i like me job i have been there for about 5 months"
Last time I checked the 'e' was nowhere near the 'y' on the keyboard. So that was not a typo.

Obvious Flaws:
Name has to be Mary, Chubtastic, You have to share her with the pastor.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
5

Request for Assistance Falls Upon Def Ears

2005-02-15T09:21:00.000-05:00

No one has stepped up to find my "virgin" down here a match.
JVMM will resume at it's regularly scheduled time - this evening from 7-9 pm.
I will find Juliet myself.
It was educational.

Juliet needed for "Virgin Seeks Pulse" Romeo

2005-02-09T18:08:00.000-05:00

We entrusted our assistant to find a match for "Virgin Seeks Pulse" but alas that person has let us down. So now we call on you our friends. Find our friend here a perfect match - actually send in any online dating profile and we'll do our best to drop/break a gigantic shart on it. Bring us what you got - and if you have a tag line that makes us laugh, we may send you a t-shirt. BTW - Good luck making us laugh.

Take Care - JVMM Management

Virgin Seeks Pulse

2005-02-08T19:31:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a woman seeking a man aged 25 to 26 in the greater Baltimore area.

Even the D&D club wouldn't let me in.
Personal Description:

This is almost impossible for me because I could never describe myself to anybody very accuratly but, here I go. I am about 5' 8", 175 lbs. but trying to change that. I am VERY shy, quiet and have an extremly hard time showing any emotion but, I can be very loving and affectionate if I want to be. To tell you the truth, I am also still a kid at heart. I am also kind of reluctant to say this but I am very inexperienced at relationships due to the fact that I have never had one or been with anybody in my entire life. I am irish/italian which means that I know to treat a woman as if she is the goddess of everything that stirs in my universe, and I must admit, I am very old fashioned. I enjoy computers, spending time out when ever I can but I am not a person that goes out clubbing or to parties. I will admit that I am a movie and TV nut and I always enjoy a quiet night at home. I am also extremly limited when it comes to where I can go and what I can do because I don't have a car or a driver license for that matter. As I said, it is extremely hard to describe myself so you be the judge. I am looking for a woman that is smart, funny and enjoys going out but is not a party nut. To tell you the truth, I am looking for a woman who is not afraid to speak her mind or try new things and who has a good heart.I grew up with my gammy. She never let me out of the house without her underwear on and lipstick. She always called me Biscuits. I don't like that. Please don't call me biscuits.

To Virgin Guy,

Assuming this isn't a joke profile, and I hope it is, I'll offer the following advice. There are certain things that you'll be finding out here in the world my friend. First girls are rather cruel, mean vindictive, angry people who want to date their fathers or at least someone who can buy them things that they can brag to their friends about. So, young Skywalker, and I mean that sort of literally given your picture and inability to list anything of interest besides your computer love, be weary. Be weary of the following things:

Black pants: Black pants are the most evil thing fashion designers ever invented. Hot in the bar. Hot in your hands. But take them off and watch her ass fall on the sidewalk like a shattered ice cream cone.

Perfume: This may not apply to you if you have a weak palate of the nose. But the phermone industry is in full swing. Be careful of your hormonal reaction or you will find yourself buying strippers cars and letting them sleep around just to whiff their winter sweaters.

Black Pants: See Black Pants. This needs emphasis.

Shaved Vaginas: Popular but not 100% infiltrated. Variety is the spice of life; remember that. Oh and don’t shave your shit either. It's not so much the hairlessness that freaks you out, as it is the razor bumps. You'll be studying nether regions to judge for everything from herpes to what I can only imagine to be genital warts.

Fake orgasms: Don't be confused. They say they don't. They ALL say they don't and that they are totally honest about wanting to nut but to be honest, they all do. And they will with you. Don't fret. Take it in stride and just appreciate that she cares enough about you to raise your self-esteem in hopes of a future orgasm.

That's all I have for advice my virgin, driver licenseless, live at home, computer, as bald as I am, friend. So put down the remote, drop that keyboard, and get out there and grab yourself a slam pig. I'm about to find your perfect match.

Descriptive Hilarities:

You are fucking pathetic. I'm tired of reading about you. People like you should be made to do a trans-Atlantic swim at age 10. And if you don't make it - well - you don't make it.

Obvious Flaws:
Life. Bald. Unhealthy glow. Odd. Yeah there's no way around it - the biggest loser I have seen on here.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
4

Peaked in 1985 and Haven't Stopped Getting Surgery Since

2005-02-07T20:59:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 40 to 45 in the greater Baltimore area.

Bed head was the main cause of my divorce.

My inability to breed because of frigidity was the cause of my husband screwing half of the girls at the Hustler Club.
Personal Description:

Hi I was once a trophy wife. Then gravity hit me right in the face. Enter Botox, and Dr. Greensilver to lift my ass. But what's this, he forget to give me boobs. HE FORGOT TO GIVE ME BOOBS! It was supposed to be our 15th wedding anniversary present to me...it was sup..po..sed...to ..be...sob sob sob

Classic soccer Mom without a few ducklings is a scary proposition for any man to consider. I'm calling some sort of cervical narrowness that doesn't allow for orgasm or ovulation. Maybe a severe bout with Hashish at Salisbury State back in 86' made her barren and wilted.

You could tell that she was hot at one point but the years have been less than kind and her inability to acquire skills or network with anyone other than her estranged and now "on a beach fucking a 17 year old Brazilian fry cook" husband, has left her on dating websites looking for any raft to attach her tentacles to. Run fellas. Run like someone asked you to practice yoga in spandex.

"My "baby" is my black lab" = "My black lab is all that my husband left me besides the matching black and red his/her Audi’s"

Descriptive Hilarities:

"I'm an Executive Assistant for the Managing Director of a wealthy family office"
"I have without a doubt sucked a couple penis' in my life." Who describes where they work in that fashion? This was the line that made me attack her. This is also the possible secondary reason for her predictable divorce.

Wow! Let the fuckin party begin. This woman should be on the cover of a brownie's box.

Obvious Flaws: Bed Hair. Lack of mammary glands. Owns at least 4 pairs of Mom jeans.
Hilarity Rating (1-10):
2

This Jump Suit Was Tailor Made by My Momma

2005-02-07T19:38:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a woman seeking a man aged 40 to 45 in the greater Baltimore area.

Yes ladies he's back. And you thought he would never emerge from the sewers. This fall we welcome back Vincent of Beauty and the Beast fame.

No caption could ever do you justice wonder pants.

Personal Description:

Hard drinking biker fuck shit! Wait uhh is this thing on? I spill me beer sorry. Oh hey - you're looking good out there. You are looking like a bronco waiting to buck me. My name is Ronnie. I am too much man for your pretty face. I'm also the Assistant Secretary Treasurer of the Anne Arundel County chapter of "Bring Back Skynyrd and Keep the South Free of Darkies"

So yeah we all see the jumper suit. Yes we all see the little man in the black leather jumper/denim suit. We all....see...holy shit...I mean...huh? no wait ...I peed myself...hahahahahahaha!

Did anyone else read that and think that they were reading Hemingway if he had half his brain removed and replaced with a cantalope that had sprouted blonde hair. The sentence structure left a little to be desired, unless you were in the 4th grade and designated to the "slow" group.

Hold on -

"But I fear nothing and I speak my mind"Your damn right you fear nothing considering you definitely belong to at last one biker club with the adjective "fat" or "bones" attached to it's name.

Just a simple man with dreams yet to be fulfilled."I have yet to get the 1977 one sided limited press release/Japanese import of "Eww that smell" by the greatest rock band ever to live! Weeeehhhhwwww SKYNYRD FREEBIRD MOTHERFUCKER!"

The best way to know me is to look into my eyes and see into my soul.I can promise you ladies there is nothing in that vision except for an empty bottle of Jack Daniels forever spinning on it's axis, a 1988 copy of Beaver Hunt, a 22 special hand gun with tape on the butt, and a tattoo somewhere on his body that is not only spelled wrong... but spelled wrong on purpose.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"Looking for: 18 to 23-year old woman "
So all you 18-23 year old girls with a blonde biker Randy Travis/Vince Neil fantasy, prepare to put on your best thongs. And prepare to have those panties slide right off. Cuz Ronnie is coming darlin and he's gonna wear that fucking jump suit.

"Sense of humor: No Answer "
I shit you not this is what he put. Ronnie, my hats off to you. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Obvious Flaws:
David Lee Roth on grease, fat back, and Quaaludes for 20 years is not a good look. Obvious concern about the "Me Tarzan. You Jane." speech pattern. He definitely at some point owned a parrot and ate it.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
9

Junior Varisty Meat Market Update

2005-02-07T15:50:00.000-05:00

1) I will update later this evening and will continue to do so because I have seen my traffic go up 10 fold in the last 5 days. I also have to update at night because I am on the road this week and it is difficult to entertain myself whilst working to keep another man on a golf course.

2) I received a cease and desist warning from a user that came to my site and then wrote me an email saying that I should watch out about illegal use of photos etc... She can suck my balls. I haven't had this much fun in forever and some of my friends who I saw this weekend loved it and I didn't even know they had found it.

3) So until later tonight - keep truckin!

Stereotypical Balla' Looks For Fine Ho's

2005-02-04T11:27:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a woman seeking a man aged 25 to 28 in the greater Baltimore area.

*anti-racial/dumb white person precursor - I was asked today to do a black man from Baltimore city on JVMM. Although at first I was hesitant because making fun of African Americans is tricky especially for a white guy. Although they, like everyone else, deserves the hammer brought down on their fucking heads for doing online dating. So finally I said fuck it. And Fuck you!

Is that Ja Rule at 44?

Black People - intimidating white folk with over the top sexuality since 1974.

R.I.P. look of 2001. Let it go brah...let it go....

Personal Description:

I'm a 5' 11" man that have his head on straight, looking 2 move to atlanta 2 pursue my career, and i'm very honest,respectful,loving,charming, and affectionate and i'm just needing someone that's the same as i am."I also enjoy old reruns of Good Times and What's Happening. I can do the rerun dance from front to back but don't tell nobody. We can rendezvous at Lou's Chicken and Death in my Escalade that is still on a 300 month payment plan from Rosco's 'No credit/No problem' car dealership."

Now I don't claim to understand the plight of the black man but there are certain areas of life that I don't think my black friends (both of them) would dabble in:

1 - I would never get my picture taken in front of a spray painted sheet portraying a SUV. And in that picture are two girls with, not their face, oh because that would promote self-esteem or some sort of happiness, but their asses as the center piece. As though there should be a tag line saying "Hit my shit from the back please."

2 - And I like nice things as much as the next man but I believe the bling era is dead. Welcome to bourgeoisie/bohemian. Being busy is the new rich. It's about bonds and portfolio's apparently and not about branded fraternity letters and shiny watches.

FOR GOD'S SAKE SOMEONE STOP THE WHITE T-SHIRT TREND!!! Look I know the African American Male is the most copied man of all time but there is no fucking way I am dipping down into the depths of which your culture has plunged. I will not propel myself to wearing a XXXXXXXXXL shirt that drags the street, matched cleverly with North Carolina Blue sneakers and hat. Nope. Nope nope nope. It's a bad look.

Descriptive Hilarities:

For fun:

Favorite hot spots:

Favorite things:

Holy fucking shit. Black people everywhere just went "NO NO NO - - - come on man Puffy was doing so well and Wayne Brady and Chapelle. Don't take us back. Come on brotha have good lookin out for once. FOR ONCE!"

"i'm a ferm believer in god almighty, and i'm truley saved by his power devine.""And that's why I have the picture with me and the two girls and their asses and umm quote myself as saying I want to be 'up under' something when it rains." Right - you and the lord - tight as always. Nothing says I respect Jesus like hands on girls asses.

never had crushes, i've always had likes, cause if u had a crush on someone and u didn't get her then that set u up for more hurt. Right - thank you Dr. Dre for your uplifting words. Next week we'll have Snoop Dog on another episode of Junior Varsity Meat Market's "Young Black Men Moving the World With Tears"

Obvious Flaws:
Cliche' Cliche' Cliche'. I thought originality and spontaneity were supposed to be the cultural flag wavers of Black America. Dude, you look like you stepped out from behind the barbecue in a Nelly video.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
9

Future Soccer Mom With Huge Knockers Wants to Yawn With You

2005-02-04T10:25:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 25 to 28 in the greater Baltimore area.

My bad side is my face.

My good side are these fucking bazooka's. If you get me a minivan and a house in Parkville you can touch them.

Personal Description:

dirty humor

Hey guys. I've been hurt. Hurt rrrreeaaalll bad by life. I never real made it as the architect actress that I planned on being when I was 22 and freshly out of Bunker Hill Community College in Boston. So I followed my ex-boyfriend's 9 inch penis down here where he dumped me. That dick!

Tell me she doesn't sound hurt, wilted, sad, suicidal, clingy, and damn straight wanting to drive a minivan within the near to immediate future. I bet she owns Mom Jeans (you know the fupa coverers) and at least 2 pairs of gardening gloves and even likes to switch to Maxi's on light days. ugh - yeah that gave me the willies too - but you know it's true.

The only thing that throws us off here at JVMM is the "Dirty Humor" remark. We'll mark that up to not getting enough dick and being rejected so much that she thinks "dirty humor" is somehow a risque' and attractive quality to behold.

25-27 is my favorite demographic for online dating girls. This is when they become very specific and almost start to assume that they have developed all the brainpower they will ever need. They almost make 35k a year now and can buy shoes from Macy's at their CRAZIEST WHIM! This demographic sucks - fellas - if you see a 25 year old walking toward you - RUN FUCKING RUN - you have to go 19-22 or 28-35 - those 6 years in between consist of thus -

Now I know all those don't seem on the same level but the bottom line is that this age demographic is as fucked up as a blind Dalmatian on LSD while trying to fuck a thorn bush.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"I love cooking food to salsa music or cumbia, or taking long strolls on a sunny day, playing with dogs, having some sushi, salmon, or maybe chocolate cake (with coffee), kissing, affection, massages, beer, a good red wine." "I also love picking our children's names; maybe Devin and Brianna. Awww." I would shoot this woman in the face if she ever started cooking me dinner and dancing to Cumbia (whatever the fuck that is) music. And if one more person says they like to stroll on sunny days I'm going to call them up and just yell "FULL OF SHIT!" into their phone for hours on end. Nobody strolls. NOBODY!

"I enjoy being healthy and very active, having intelligent conversation, sharing stories. I paint, run outdoors, cook, and love to take long walks with my 6-year old pooch, Frank. I love dirty humor, spontaneity, and will gladly try new things."
"I'm the all-American fucking yawn. Do you like missionary style sex? Do you enjoy handholding through Sunday church service? Do you like skimming rocks by grandpappy's house as we envision our retirement to Yawn land?" Jesus fucking Christ get this woman a pair of balls to match those tits.

Obvious Flaws:
Boring. Obvious FUPA. Semi-cross-eyed. Boring. Boring. RUN FUCKING RUN!

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
3

Confused Brazilian Want Hump Hump with Rich Whitey

2005-02-03T13:13:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 25 to 28 in the greater Baltimore area.

There's an ass attached to this face that makes a spare tire look like a marble.

Personal Description:

Hi:) I am a brazillian girl living temporaly in US (I just got here). I am a lawyer there, just graduated and came to improve my english... If everything work out, I am planning to take the BAR exame , so I could practice here too!! I am brunet, 5'3 tall and 160 lbs and interacial latin girl. I am very easygoing,talktive (at least in my language - that's NOT SPANISH), playfull, friendly and smart:P Now, the bad side: I am also petulant, sometimes I speak without think first, but never to hurt someone's fellings... (that's what my friends use to tell about me). I do not have an ideal match, but old relationships taught me what I do not want... what's much more easier to tell, right? So, my supost ideal match should be funny - but not goffy -, smart, able to talk for more than 30 min., never dress that terrible hawai's (?) shirts, able to laught of himself, good looking, but not too much... please, don't be a metrosexual!! Also, have some personality!!! A person that say "yes" to everything is a kind of boring!!! Oh yes, if you vote for G.W.B., enjoy the N.R.A. don't contact me... I assure you that it will be waste of OUR TIME! ...lolo But anyway, on true I am not looking for my "ideal match" here in America or anywhere else. I don't think that does exist anyway... I am looking for friends, know diferent people, hang out, have some fun, etc... Bye:) "Hi, strong man. You make happy in me and my wife you. Maybe one day you me go cruise happy time. Then Brazil. OH SO MUCH FUN! I like to touch penis on happy days but not sad :(. Maybe we go swimming in pool. I like pool happy. "

Ahh foreign girls. You poor things. "I go America. I have dream. What? My happy money no good here. 7 Reals no equal 7 dollars? Why? Me need husband. I was good lawyer or doctor or pilot in Brazil. Me make good wife." Oh Jesus. I mean I'm sure they aren't all like that but if you live in a metropolis where there are sects of people speaking all kinds of different languages and doing different cultural things and you put an Ad on a dating website - you are asking to get ass raped or, even worse, find your way on to Junior Varsity Meat Market. I mean if you live in a city you can find interesting things to do with people you have something in common with. You can make friends. If you want hump hump happy husband - then you go on here and take a shot. Fucking hooker.

There are certain things that foreign women need to understand about these dating services. One, they come off like cheap bate. Any man with two twenties to rub together can slide right into those Brazilian cut panties. If you can't speak English real well you probably don't know enough to cry for help. Palm to God I swear that's what men are thinking. Two - There aren't dudes on here that are awesome. I'm not saying you are awesome - and judging by this you most certainly aren't. I'm speaking on behalf of other potential people thinking about sinking into the mired, sick, ghastly, wretched, bile infested, shit throwing, puking, happy turd thing, called online dating. For you people that haven't tried online dating, I beg of you, I plead with you stay away and go get drunk and get laid like normal people. And for you sorry sons of bitches on these websites - STOP FUCKIKNG UP THE GENE POOL. IF YOU ARE ON HERE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BREED. EVER!!!

Holy shit! She's 5'3" 160. I didn't see that. Usually I try not to pick unattractive women because of the easy ability to annihilate them. Man am I awful? Oh well.

I can picture the guy answering this personal. I look into the JVMM crystal ball and I find - I find - Wait your big Latin American ass is blocking the way - I find - A man with curly black hair and dark glasses. He is spraying Binnaca in his mouth as he skips to the top step on his way to your Towson Commons basement apartment. He has the first 3 buttons of his shirt undone and had rented a Buick LeSabre for tonight's "Hump Hump Fuck Fuck" romp.

Descriptive Hilarities:

My Date's income: $75,001 to $100,000, $100,001 to $150,000, $150,001+ She specified that these are the incomes she wants her date to have. I wasn't going to attack this woman until I saw this. OH UNTIL I SAW THIS. Was your lifestyle in brazil that exhaustive that a man has to take you to Tio Pepe's instead of Taco Bell. Most affluent women with a lot going for them don't put their fat little face on dating website and have the FUCKING AUDACITY to specify that their man make at least 75 grand a year. Let this be a lesson ladies - if you are going to qualify a man by money or a job be prepared to have your name forgotten and be rudely ushered out the front door come day break.

My Date's ethnicity: White / Caucasian, Native American She obviously chose "Native American" because she's down with the Navajo. What a dumb foreign broad. I'll show you native American - go to west Baltimore and hang out for a while.

"I like to go to the movie theater, have a drink, go to dance sometimes, but I hate place where you can badely move... Love to stay in home too, watching a good movie or just spend time with family / friends."So basically you would like to watch your ass grow to the size of a small couch while letting the hair on your legs get as thick as the burning bush itself.

Obvious Flaws:
English. I wanna hump hump verbage. Her profile is like asking to borrow a dollar and then getting turned down and asking for 50 grand. She's a chub nut.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
5

Abs of Real Deal Steel: Do You Feel?

2005-02-03T11:19:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a woman seeking a man aged 18 to 22 in the greater Baltimore area.

"Yo this be my whip dog. I worked 6 years at Pizza Hut fo this jaunt."

Lucky Charms and Yosemite Sam's offsrping

"Check these out bitch."

"I SAID CHECK THESE OUT BITCH!"

"I'm feeling sensitive in this photo. I'm feeling reflective as well about how my abs look."

Personal Description:

How you doin? Yo - You like my abs? Yo - you dig my czzzar? And finally - yo? Do you like Arbee's? I wish there was someone to understand the depths of me. I feel so vulnerable sometimes just listening to Eminem and posing down in front of my Mom’s bedroom mirror while she gives hand jobs to neighborhood men for cartons of Newport 100’s.

I really don’t know where to start here. I guess I'll just start at the obvious and ask, "Hey, when you were taking pictures (both of them) of your abs did you reasonably think it matched your tag line of

"Looking for a nice girl to spend time with and get to know" Because nothing says nice girl like taking your shirt off, thinking to yourself, "You know what the ladies want? Pictures of my stomach. Oh yeah here comes the love." I mean seriously, brosef, fuck face, cunt rag, DICK FUCKER! what on God's green fucking earth is that about? You need to be on adult friend finder. Your tag line should be - "Hey here are my abs - fuck me please. I'm in the military and haven't got much of life. Please for God's sake someone take advantage of my one and only attribute 'my abdominal muscles'" And dude they aren't even that cut up. I mean shit you look like you weigh about 160 pounds. Anyway suck on a bottle cap.

On to issue number 2, and my man you really set yourself up for these, the car. What is that? An accord? An rsx? I mean what the fuck kind of car is that? It's certainly the most awesomest car in the world given the factory rims and the huge wing on the back. You have that huge wing just in case you need to race on Bel Air rd. Hey I understand sometimes a hard ass thug like yourself has to burn rubber and show the local Perry Hall kids who has the dopest haircut from 1996. Oh and you must MUST have one of those exhaust whistles "Woo Woo!". Oh man - Oh man - - oh lord - - -I peed myself I'm laughing so hard at this person. Oh god...ok I'll stop.

So ladies if you are down with a true - and I do mean TRUE as in the MOTHERFUCKIN TRUTH - suburban thug with a forearm tattoo and a wing on his car. Then I suggest you hit up my man here. I would recommend also bring some cab fair, a can of mace, DEFINITELY GONNA NEED SOME CONDOMS, and a fake pregnancy pillow so you can fake birthing and leave the restaurant without paying. And I hope you like Arbee's because my man here does. Holy shit this guy made my day.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"I'm all about havin some fun. I'm live for the moment and I mostly enjoy extreme sports, music, workin out, drawing, and writing some poetry when I'm motivated." Man when I think of you I think poetry and drawing. Oh shit I found one of your poems on "ihavesuperduperabs.com"

Yo - oh me oh my
I wish I could flow
Like the toe I be working out
And then with the hos I be mackin’
They be feelin' my glow
From under my ride.
Come look inside
Baby girl because I smiles in the world
LOOK AT MY ABS
LOOK AT MY ABS
LOOK AT MY ABS
LOOK AT MY ABS

By: Darin Rafionzi Esq.

Obvious Flaws:
Forearm tattoos of Leprechauns are what turn moms on. The 95' Caesar haircut. Life. Men with 3 credits at a second rate college are sure to drop some panties. Pencil thin grease ball mustache of power!

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
9

Soldier of Fortune Seeks Anyone With a Vagina

2005-02-02T15:46:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a woman seeking a man aged 18 to 22 in the greater Baltimore area.

Personal Description:

have a lot of problems trusting the right girl

Looking for someone that has a good job, college eductation is not an issue.

I have a wonderful well paying job as a mortgage broker and have the financial freedom that I have always wanted for me and my significant other to enjoy.

Basically, I've never really been tied down and had my brains fucked out. All the other guys that I work with have. I haven't been able to shake this stupid hair cut since I was 6 and one time a girl laughed at my penis. But hey - if you think 'rich' is 85 thousand dollars a year - and if you think 'financial freedom' means not having to suck dick for orange juice - then I am YOUR MAN!

I guess ALL THAT MONEY FROM REAL ESTATE *eh hem* give me a second to laugh and uncurl myself from a ball - hasn't really upped your pussy prowess quite yet. Well my friend you are in luck because here at JVMM we take pride in offering you the lowest of the low. We stock pile the end of the end of the line girls. No more thinking for you. You can ride horses and be any number of these slam pig's pride and joy. Ride 'em you dumb fucker.

He seems a little untrusting of women. Well I say my intelligent friend - if you are untrusting of women the first thing you probably want to do is tell them THAT YOU ARE RICH AND WANT TO SHARE IT WITH THEM! YOU DUMB BASTARD! I swear do you have that little of a personality that your tag line - your big ending is - "well paying job as a mortgage broker". I'm going to lighten up because you are only 21 and that line seems really cool. You can go to the Hustler club and drop 200 dollars but my friend, my local square headed marine looking friend - you need to learn from us here at Junior Varsity Meat Market.

Oh and one more thing my favorite line about the 'education not being important but you need a good job'. Hey momo - good luck with that one. And by the way - you may want to spell education correctly next time - I mean I know it's not important but there are some standards. Right?

Descriptive Hilarities:

"Sensual stroll along the beach, the sunset reflected in our eyes as we hold hands and enjoy the tide" I also like having my penis cut off and put in a mason jar so everyone can see that I actually was once a man.

Obvious Flaws:
Poor children make boring and offensive rich people. Suburban people who think they are righteous usually end up dead by crazy gun toting motherfuckers. He looks like he should be on a 50's sitcom starring characters named "Oatmeal" and "Ruffy"

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
4

Second Rate Sorority Here I Come!

2005-02-02T14:41:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 18 to 22 in the greater Baltimore area.

Personal Description:

i like dating guys but to it seems i cant find a good one

there girl

i love to go out clubing

im the kind of girl thats in for basically anything

Hiiii...I'm Heather. Wanna fuck? I know. I haven't totally assembled a brain yet but I sure do love dick. Look at my new thongs and my lower back tattoo. Aren't they fucking awesome?

Baby? Baby no. Look I know things seem tough right now. I know that life may get you down. But that's no reason to start shopping yourself around for strange dick online.

I can see by your post that we have some issues to work out, mainly with second grade grammar. But, more importantly with that thing you have called self-esteem, or anything. Yeah I'll go with anything. Do you have anything other than what you know to be everyone else? Have you always been the girl with no name and the second rate *eh hem* third rate boyfriend who would cut your inner thighs with razors if you told your mom he pushed you down the stairs?

Personally I love that her picture is her straddling a ball showing her cleavage. Nothing says "class" like an obligatory tit shot.

The 18-22 category on dating sites is the most dangerous. You don't know what is really going on here but for the most part it's bored girls looking to fuck as opposed to divorce's looking to hang on to any rope thrown to them. It's a shame they don't like to spell or you know have any quality that a thinking person might want.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"i am a dancer and i love to sing. i shop at aeropostale, american eagle, etc. im a wild girl..." Nothing, and I mean NOTHING says CRAZZZZZY like Aeropostale.

"i am in college actually...but when i graduate i want to be a pshcologist..."Yeah the prerequisite for that profession is first being able to spell it correctly. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Obvious Flaws:
Life. Bad Hair. Living in a bad Suburban neighborhood. Her parents and friends have not smashed her dreams yet. She still thinks she won't be swinging from a pole at a place called "Ruti Tutti" in about 2 years.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
7

I'll Take "Held Back in 3rd Grade" for 500

2005-02-02T11:16:00.000-05:00

Prerequisite:
I am a man seeking a woman aged 25 to 45 in the greater Baltimore area.

Personal Description:

There isn't enough space to try to explain all the aspects of my personality but I will share this

because I don't need to tomorrow is promised to no one so I try to live everyday as it comes I am a very spontaneous and fun loving person who loves to have a good time..

my motorcycle during the day to going to a black tie gala that night

I also really really hate really proofreading and punctuation. Those dirty little things make me angwwwwy. Did I also mention that I never graduated middle school because of those darned tests.

Lord lady - umm - you are FUCKED! If I was a guy reading this, and oddly enough I am, I would run like there was no tomorrow. I would side jump a hedge and barrel roll into the street to avoid the smell of your newly purchased Victoria Secret body lotion/perfume combination. My friends and family would find me hiding in a rice bowl in Calcutta waiting for my military escorted transport back to my home in order to take on the onslaught that is your grammar.

I once knew a woman like you. No wait - I didn't because I wasn't in the special class. Are our standards that low that we honestly are willing to put our picture on the internet to attract possible breeding partners only to never use spell check or even read over anything twice? Is this what it has come to? It has dwindled to a momo in a red dress talking about "motorcycles" and "black tie galas". I have some advice for you dear - hit up the nearest biker club and find the coolest most wealthy drug dealer there. It's your only shot.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"I am a firm believer in the Almighty"
I too believe in Yahweh. Lighten up or get a robe and start clapping.

"I travel frequently but still have many destinations to go fav spots: Havana club Red maple local lounges"
Baltimore is the city and I know that there is no way she has seen the inside of those places more than once. No fucking way.

Obvious Flaws:
Grammar. Life. Punctuation.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
8

Turn Ons: Wine, Ties Outside, and Filthy Bodies of Water

2005-02-02T10:22:00.000-05:00

Prequisites: I am a woman seeking a man aged 25 to 45 in the greater Baltimore area.

Personal Description:

Describing yourself is always a troublesome task, but here it goes.

I used to play soccer and tennis regularly, but that work thing gets in the way now. I still like to kick/hit the ball around though if the opportunity is there.

I would like someone that could go to the beach, or amusement park with me, or just have a nice relaxing time at home watching a movie and sipping a glass of wine.

First off - Why is it ok for men in this day and age to be spineless sacks of windbag shit? What ever happened to the days of protect, hunt, fuck? When did we become wine guzzling, puerile, "ball hitting" half-men? This guy has two sons. If my two sons ever read this I would want them to kill me in a Freudian Id rage that would leave nothing left of me but my mountable head and torso. Men should be men. It's not ok, I REPEAT, not ok, to have pictures of yourself drinking wine in a tie on a beach as your photo mantra in life.

Secondly - if a woman could see passed this heinous idea of you being a man mom then she is probably in it for the dough. This is what she sees out of your post that attracts her -

work, nice girl, working, working

So, your theme is that you work and you are boring.

There are two types of women you are going to attract here, and one of them ain't gonna be cute. The first type is going to be a divorce' down on her luck and living in a 400$ a month apartment somewhere on the outskirts of a one pizza hut/one Wal-Mart suburban town. The other one is going to still be living at home with her Mom waiting to one day be taken to the prom in the dress that she bought 20 years ago. Well shit, they both ain't pretty.

Descriptive Hilarities:

"any local sushi joint, or coffee house is where you can find me."Right. I heard most suburban yawn towns are packed - just packed with sushi and coffee.

"I am a geek, not to be confused with a "gamer." I do not sit at home all night playing online games."You may want to just move on from that moment in your life where you bought into being a Geek. Move on and become the Ocean City wine connoisseur you always dreamed of being.

Obvious Flaws:
Chubby. Boring. Inflated. Tom Selleck mustache.

Hilarity Rating (1-10):
5